A Large Check

by Timothy Meinke

Based on an idea by Adam Nobello.

The "Not-So-Bright Men" were introduced in "The Lumberyard" sketch.

The screenwriter is an employee of a major national bank.

Cast

Not-So-Bright Man #1.……………………………...

Not-So-Bright Man #2.……………………………...

Bank Teller……………………………….................

Female Bank Patron………………………………....

BANK LOBBY. THE TWO NOT-SO-BRIGHT MEN ARE WAITING IN LINE.

TELLER

Next, please!

MAN #1 APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

MAN #1

Hey dere‘. I need to some bankin’- at a bank here.

TELLER

You’re from around here, aren’t you?

MAN #1

Yah! How did you know dat? Yah, well uh, listen here. I need to cash a very large check.

TELLER

A very large check. Okay, is it a local check?

MAN #1

(CONFUSED.) A local ch-? Uh, I ah- wait dere’ one minute.

MAN #1 GOES BACK TO THE LINE WHERE MAN #2 IS WAITING. THEY MIME TALKING AND GESTICULATE WILDLY. MAN #1 RETURNS TO THE COUNTER.

MAN #1

Hey, dere.’ Yah, the check is right here in dis’ lobby so dat’ means dat’ it’s a local check. Yah.

TELLER

Do you have an account here?

MAN #1

(CONFUSED.) AN ACCOU-? Uh, I ah- wait dere’ anutter’ minute.

MAN #1 RE-APPROACHES MAN #2. THEY MIME TALKING AND GESTICULATE WILDLY. MAN #1 RETURNS THE COUNTER.

MAN #1

Yah! I have a count here. It’s one. One check is what I haf’ to cash here, yah. One very large check.

TELLER

Sir, do you have proof of identity?

MAN #1

(CONFUSED.) Proof of identa-? Uh, I ah-

MAN #1 HOLDS UP A "WAIT-ONE-MINUTE" FINGER AND RE-APPROACHES MAN #2. THEY MIME TALKING AND GESTICULATE WILDLY. MAN #2 TURNS TO THE WOMAN IN LINE BEHIND HIM. THEY MIME TALKING. SHE REACHES INTO HER PURSE AND HANDS HIM A COMPACT MIRROR. MAN #2 HOLDS THE COMPACT SO MAN #1 CAN SEE HIS OWN REFLECTION. MAN #2 GIVES THE COMPACT TO MAN #1. MAN #1 HOLDS THE MIRROR WITH THE REFLECTION TOWARDS MAN #2. MAN #2 STRONGLY SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO" AND TURNS THE REFLECTION TOWARDS MAN #1. MAN #1 REACTS AS HE UNDERSTANDS. WITH AUTHORITY, MAN #2 POINTS TOWARDS THE TELLER. MAN #1 RE-APPROACHES THE COUNTER. HE HOLDS THE COMPACT MIRROR SO THEY BOTH CAN SEE HIS REFLECTION.

MAN #1

Hey dere,’ agin.’ (POINTS TO REFLECTION.) Yah, dis’ is me right dere.’

TELLER

Sir, just exactly how large is this check?

MAN #1

Oh! Dat’ I have right here!

MAN #1 PRODUCES AN ENORMOUSLY SIZED CHECK MADE OUT FOR SEVENTY-NINE CENTS.

MAN #1

Kin’ I get dis’ seventy-nine cents all in paper money?

TELLER IS SPEECHLESS.

The End