HARRY POTTER, UNCLOAKED

"HARRY POTTER, UNCLOAKED"

Written by

Jeremy Gustafson

Creative Contributions from

Matthew Feeney

DRAFT #4 (FINAL) – 9 October 2004

CASTING REQUIREMENTS:

HARRY PUTTER – To be played by Jeremy Gustafson, jeremy@jeremygustafson.net

RON – Red hair, tall, skinny; the closer the actor resembles Ron from the movies the better*

HERYOURSE – Resemblance to movie (redish/blonde hair) preferable but not required*

HAIRGRID – Tall and willing to wear a bulky black wig (unless they already have the hair; again, we’re looking for someone who sort-of resembles the movie actor

DUMBLEDORE – A tall, kindly older gentleman who closely resembles (or can be made to resemble) the Dumbledore from the movies

DRACO TINFOY – While blonde hair would be nice, the ability to reproduce the voice quality from the movie is most important*

VOLDEMORTGAGE – Since we have nothing in the movies to go after, any man will do, especially if they resemble any characters from the Ditech commercials

DURSLEY FAMILY (no lines) – Need mother and father (mother skinny and father rather heavy set); DUDLEY must be the skinniest and most unimposing kid available for casting*

3 SALES CLERKS – The SEARS STORE CLERK should be 30s to mid 50s, either gender; the WAND SHOP CLERK should be a kindly older gentleman; the GAMES BY JAMES CLERK should be male, mid-twenties, and not afraid of getting hit by a checker piece (no lines)

A PET MINK – Preferably alive, but a stuffed animal might add to the humour

A PLUSH ANIMAL SNAKE – Politicians will not do for this role; a Beanie Baby might

* Age range for Ron, Heryourse, Draco, and Dudley should be around 15-20; the aim is to make them all appear the same age

"HARRY POTTER, UNCLOAKED"

JEREMY GUSTAFSON

(Harry Putter is walking through his mansion house in documentary style as he speaks; he is wearing a "Potter Puppet Pals" t-shirt)

HARRY:

Hi. I’m Harry Putter.

(Ron bursts into the shot from the bottom of the frame in a play off the "Potter Puppet Pals" flash animation, available www.potterpuppetpals.com)

RON (In high voice):

And I am Ron!

(Harry pushes Ron out of the shot)

HARRY:

Sorry about that. As I was saying, I’m Harry Putter, the real one, not the one you see in the movie. JK Rowling came to me a few years back after I finished my schooling at Pigblemish to ask if she could write a book about all my adventures, and I couldn't turn her down. I mean, who in their right mind would pass up all those royalties and the chance to be famous, not to mention have thousands of girls dream about you every night? But all that aside, I have to say that some of the details got a little distorted in the retelling.

(cut to shot of the Dursley family)

HARRY (Voice-over):

First of all, while it is true I lived with the Dursleys after my parents died in a freak golfing accident, I have never lived in a cupboard under a staircase.

(cut to quick shot of a mink all dressed up in fancy, Dursley-like style, then back to Harry as he walks toward a bookcase under a bar)

HARRY (Voice-over, then on-screen):

No, that's actually where the family pet lives. My home is here, in this bookcase right under the booze. (aside: "Dudley had a bad habit, you know.") And here...

(he opens the bookcase / secret door to reveal either a massive and elaborately decorated ball room or a tiny hole in the wall as in the movie – director's discretion)

HARRY:

... when you open it up you can see my room. There’s a back door to my own personal golf course, too. Oh, and see this?

(he pulls out a rock – the Philosopher's Stone)

HARRY:

Remember the Philosopher's Stone? Yeah, when we found it it wasn't really protected by magical three-headed dogs and everything.

(cut to scene of Harry, Ron, and Heryourse on a river side looking through all the rocks on the ground)

RON:

Harry, Heryourse! I've found it!

(he picks up a plain looking rock from the riverside)

RON:

Wait, maybe it's this one.

(he picks up another rock, then another)

RON:

Are we sure there's only one? They all look the same!

HERYOURSE

Oh, Ron, honestly. It's right there!

(she points to a very distinctly shaped and coloured rock in the middle of all the others, very obviously the Philosopher's Stone)

RON:

Oh.

(he drops the arm load of rocks he'd collected; cut back to Harry in house; he puts the stone down)

HARRY:

Of course I'm getting ahead of myself. Remember all those scenes in Diagon Alley, more or less the ultimate shopping experience for wizards of all sorts and sizes?

(cut to view from inside a car driving toward the North entrance of Mall Of America)

HARRY (Voice-over):

It isn't really hidden all that well from the Muggles.

(cut to scene of Harry and Hairgrid inside Sears in the kitchen brooms section; a sales clerk approaches)

SEARS SALES CLERK:

Can I help you find a broom? (or "Can I help you find something" if the other seems too redundant)

(cut to scene of Harry and Hairgrid in a wand shop (I'm not sure which store to use for this); Hairgrid holds a toy lightsaber)

HAIRGRID:

What about this one? It lights up and everythin’!

HARRY:

Um, Hairgrid, that's the wrong movie.

HAIRGRID:

Oh. Right you are, there, 'Arry.

WAND SHOP SALES CLERK:

How about this one?

(he hands Harry a collapsible pointer)

WAND SHOP SALES CLERK:

It's the new Viá-wand. It can expand instantly whenever the moment is right for doing magic!

(Harry extends and collapses the wand several times as the clerk says line above)

HAIRGRID:

That looks like the perfect one for you, there, 'Arry

HARRY:

What are you trying to say?

(cut to Harry, Ron, and Heryourse in a robe shop; Heryourse is trying on a robe)

HERYOURSE:

Does this robe make me look fat?

(cut to Harry, Ron, and Heryourse in "Games By James" shopping for checkers boards)

HERYOURSE:

I thought wizards played chess.

RON:

Not anymore. They used to, but it got to be too stereotypical. Checkers is where it's at, now.

HARRY:

Red piece A3 to B4.

(nothing happens)

RON:

Maybe if you use your wand.

(Harry extends his wand and points it at the checkers piece)

HARRY:

Red A3 to B4!

(nothing happens)

RON:

Here, let me try.

HERYOURSE:

Ron, I don't think you should...

(Ron takes Harry's wand and accidentally flicks the checkers piece into the air, hitting the sales clerk)

RON:

Oops.

(the three run out of the store; cut back to Harry in his house; he is holding a blanket)

HARRY:

Of course that isn't nearly as skewed in the books as the whole invisibility cloak thing. I mean, come on, what teenage boy with an invisibility cloak wouldn't go to check out the girls' locker room at least once?

(he puts the blanket over his head and begins walking, soon running straight into a wall)

HARRY:

Oops. Got it on backward.

(he rotates the blanket and then begins walking again, this time tripping over something in the middle of the floor; immediate cut to outside of girls locker room; Harry (covered in blanket) walks toward the door)

HARRY (from under blanket):

Come on, Heryourse, be her-"mine"-ee.

(He goes inside; a few seconds silence; screams erupt from inside, the door is opened and Heryourse drags Harry out; she pulls the blanket off him)

HERYOURSE:

For goodness sake, Harry, you really need to stop going around under that blanket. It makes you look like a couch! You’re lucky no one tries to lie down and take a nap on you! Didn’t you read the warning tag that came with it? You know, the one that says, "Do not remove under punishment of Snape"?

HARRY:

I don’t think it came with one.

HERYOURSE:

Oh, honestly, Harry!

DUMBLEDORE:

Why, hello, Harry.

HARRY:

Dumbledore, sir, hello. I didn’t, um, I mean, I didn’t mean to…

DUMBLEDORE:

Harry, Heryourse, I have an important quest for you. Together you must find the golden ring of Sauron and destroy it. In fact, it is highly likely you will find it in the middle of a Quidditch field. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are some every-flavour beans back in my office calling me. Come, Severus.

(he leaves pulling a plush animal snake on a leash; cut to a football field; Harry and Heryourse approach the middle of the field where Draco Tinfoy stands with a vacuum cleaner)

DRACO:

Well, if it isn’t the famous Harry Putter and his girlfriend. What’s the matter, Putter? Where’s the rest of your fellowship? Or did no one want to be with your kind of club?

HARRY:

Shut up, Tinfoy.

HERYOURSE:

We’ve come to take back the golden ring of Sauron, hand it over.

DRACO:

You’ll have to catch me if you want it, and I highly doubt your pathetic broom can compete against my new Oreck XL.

HARRY:

But that’s a vacuum!

DRACO:

Never said life was fair.

(Draco mounts his vacuum and is about to kick off when Ron jumps up from the bottom of the shot and tackles Draco the ground)

RON:

Bother! Bother! Bother! Bother!

(Ron stands up and holds high the golden ring)

HERYOURSE:

Ron! You did it! You’ve captured the golden ring!

VOLDEMORTGAGE:

And now you will give it to me, Lord Voldemortgage.

RON:

Where did you come from?

VOLDEMORTGAGE:

A Ditech commercial.

RON:

Really? My parents are looking to get a new house. Any chance you could…

HERYOURSE (Interrupting):

Ron!

RON:

Oh, right. Sorry. We’ll never give you the ring!

VOLDEMORTGAGE:

Then I must tell you something. Harry, I am your father!

HARRY:

Nooooo!!

(cut back to Harry in his house; Heryourse stands at his side)

HARRY:

Well, that may be, but at least fans everywhere agree I deserve to get the girl in the end.

(Ron comes into the shot and pulls Heryourse away from Harry)

RON:

No! Everyone knows she’s s’posed to be with me! I mean, it’s obvious, don’t you think?

HERYOURSE:

Actually, you’re both wrong.

(She reaches off camera and pulls Draco into the shot)

HERYOURSE:

I’m seeing Draco. Catch you later, boys!

(Harry and Ron stand in astonishment as Heryourse and Draco walk off together)

RON:

You know what this means?

HARRY:

Vacuum store?

RON:

Let’s go!

(cut to black; cut to Ron in a field with butterflies all around (the butterflies can be fake ones on sticks) – this scene is intended for the director’s cut only)

RON:

Follow the butterflies! Follow the butterflies! Wheee!

(Heryourse comes on screen and aims her wand at Ron)

HERYOURSE:

Ronicus Cartoonicus!

(Heryourse ducks out of the shot and Ron turns into a cartoon, still chasing the butterflies; cut to black)

/* An alternate for the Philosopher's Stone could be to see a large stone in the middle of the river, then decide it's too hard to get at and pick up a random rock from the shore instead */

LEGAL STUFF:

This is a non-commercial parody, as provided for under Section 107 of the Copyright Act, and is not meant to infringe on any rights belonging to the copyright and trademark owners.

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