by Timothy Meinke

Based on a Milton Berle anecdote

Slow Andy………………………………............Groom

Andrea/Angela………………………………......Bride/Daughter

Little Angela…………………………………….Little girl

Old Andrea

Marion Samm (Male)……………………………Justice of the Peace

Old Marion Samm

OPEN ON DOOR PAINTED WITH "Marion Samm. Justice of the Peace." CUT TO INTERIOR. ANDY AND ANDREA STAND BEFORE SAMM. ANDY HAS HIS "A" LETTERED CAP ON. ANDREA GRABS IT OFF HIS HEAD.

SAMM

We have gathered today to join this man, Andy, and this woman, Andrea, in the bonds of matrimony. Oh! Before we proceed, do you have the marriage license?

ANDY SEARCHES HIS POCKETS UNTIL HE PRODUCES THE DOCUMENT AND HANDS IT TO SAMM. HE EXAMINES IT.

SAMM

This isn’t dated. Run back to city hall and have the clerk date it.

ANDY

Okay! (KISSES ANDREA.) This won’t take long.

ANDY EXITS. CUT TO ANDY WAITING IN A LONG LINE.

CUT TO J.P’S OFFICE. ANDREA IS NOW VISIBLY PREGNANT. ANDY ENTERS AND HANDS THE LICENSE TO SAMM. ANDY DOESN’T NOTICE HER CONDITION.

SAMM

What took you so long?

ANDY

Well, there was a line…

SAMM

You don’t have the bride’s maiden name. Run back to city hall and get it put in. And I advise you to hurry.

HE INDICATES ANDREA. THAT’S WHEN ANDY FIRST NOTICES HER CONDITION AND IS STUNNED.

ANDY

Right. I’ll be right back.

ANDY KISSES HER AND CARESSES HER BELLY. HE EXITS. CUT TO ANDY WAITING IN A LONG LINE.

CUT TO J.P’S OFFICE. ANDREA STANDS NEXT TO LITTLE ANGELA. ANDY RUNS IN AND HANDS THE LICENSE TO SAMM. HE EXAMINES IT. ANDY DOESN’T NOTICE LITTLE ANGELA.

SAMM

There’s no county seal on the license. You’ll have to go back.

ANDY KISSES ANDREA AND EXITS.

LITTLE ANGELA

Mommy! Who was that?

CUT TO ANDY WAITING IN A LONG LINE.

CUT TO J.P’S OFFICE. YEARS HAVE PASSED. ANDREA AND SAMM ARE NOW PLAYED BY OLDER ACTORS. THE ACTRESS ORIGINALLY PLAYING ANDREA IS NOW PLAYING ANGELA. SHE IS ALL PUNKED UP AND GOTH. ANDY HAS NOT AGED AT ALL.

ANDY RUNS IN AND HANDS THE LICENSE TO OLD SAMM. HE EXAMINES IT. ANDY DOESN’T NOTICE HOW MUCH EVERYONE HAS CHANGED AT FIRST.

OLD SAMM

Well, I think everything here is in order!

ANDY

(TO ANGELA.)

Andrea, why are you dressed like that?

OLD ANDREA

That’s not me, you old coot! I’m over here!

ANDY

Andrea? Honey, is that you?

OLD ANDREA

Of course it’s me, you old coot!

ANDY

If you’re Andrea, then who are you?

OLD ANDREA

You old coot! That’s your daughter!

ANDY

(STUNNED.)

My- my daughter?

ANGELA

(INSOLENT.)

Hello- Daddy!

OLD ANDREA

You remember our daughter, don’t you? The reason why we had to get married. Old coot!

OLD SAMM

Well, I can marry you now. But, your daughter is still a bastard.

ANDY

Now, that’s funny! That’s what the clerks at city hall were all saying about you!

The End