by Timothy Meinke

Marvin………………………………...................Usher/The marshal

SweetTart Kid………………………………........Marvin’s nemesis

Miss Mia………………………………................Saloon girl

Myron………………………………....................The referee

The Unarmed Cowboy…………………………..In The Kid’s Posse

Posse, Bystander

THEATRE AUDITORIUM. MARVIN IS SWEEPING UP THE AISLE WITH A BROOM AND DUSTPAN. A GROUP OF KIDS PASS HIM. THE KID APPROACHES MARVIN.

KID

Excuse me, is that an empty SweetTart wrapper in your lapel?

MARVIN LOOKS DOWN. THE KID FLICKS HIS NOSE AND SNICKERS. HE DUMPS HIS POPCORN TO THE FLOOR AND POINTS.

KID

You missed a spot.

ALL THE KIDS LAUGH AS THEY EXIT THE AUDITORIUM. MARVIN DOES A SLOW BURN.

CUT TO MARVIN EXITING THE AUDITORIUM AND LOOKING AT THE CONCESSION STAND. CUT TO HIS VIEW OF THE KID TALKING TO MIA. CUE SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC. CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF MARVIN’S RED COWBOY BOOTS. CAMERA PANS UP TO REVEAL MARVIN IN A COWBOY COSTUME. HE STILL HAS HIS TRADEMARK BOWTIE. HE STRIDES OFF-SCREEN.

CUT TO CONCESSION STAND. THE KID IS NOW DRESSED AS A COWBOY. HE HAS A CHERRY SLUSHIE IN HIS LEFT HAND, WHICH HE CARRIES THROUGHOUT THE SKETCH. MISS MIA IS SITTING ON THE COUNTER IN A SALOON GIRL COSTUME. MARVIN APPROACHES. CUT TO EXTREME CLOSE-UPS AS THEY GLARE AT EACH OTHER. MARVIN CHEWS AND BLOWS BUBBLE GUM. THE KID POPS SWEETTARTS. STOP MUSIC.

MARVIN

Well, if it ain’t the SweetTart Kid.

KID

Bin’ a long time, Marvin.

MIA

You two know each other?

KID

Yeah, me and Marvin go way back. The old Rialto, wasn’t it?

MARVIN

You gotta’ lotta’ nerve showing yer’ face around these parts, Kid.

MIA

Why? What happened at the Rialto?

MARVIN

I had to run this ol’ varmint outta’ theatre for kicking the seats in front of him, talking during the movie and for throwing SweetTarts at the screen.

KID

(PROUDLY.) That’s why they call me the SweetTart Kid.

MARVIN

(PULLS VEST ASIDE TO REVEAL HIS BADGE.) Well, they now call me The Marshal.

KID

Nice badge, Marvin. (TAPS IT.) And it’s real, too.

MARVIN

The good folk here at Cinema like law and order. They gave me this here badge to make sure the likes of you don’ come ’round here causing trouble.

KID

Now Marshal, I ain’t looking to cause trouble. I’m jest’ having a sodey’ pop with the lady and talking.

MARVIN

I don’t reckon yer’ intentions are quite so honorable. You best stay away from Miss Mia if you know what’s good fer’ ya.’

KID

Well, well, well! Strong words, Marvin! A body might think that you was in love with Miss Mia.

MIA

(SWOONS.) Oh, Marvin! Are you?

MARVIN

(MOMENTARILY FLUSTERED.) Why, no! Not at all! I mean- well, yes I- I am very fond of her. (SPINS A YARN.) It’s jest’ that Miss Mia’s an orphan who lost her Pa to Blockbuster and her Ma to pay-per-view. She’s got five younger brothers to feed and I promised her folks that I’d keep an eye on her- on them.

KID

That’s a mighty fine story, Marvin.

MIA

(BEHIND HER HAND TO THE KID.) Not a lick of truth to it; but a damn fine story!

MARVIN

Miss Mia, you watch your phraseology! Now, look here Kid! I run a law-‘biding cinema here and I don’t need a two-bit outlaw like you wrecking it! I’m giving you till show time to get out of theatre.

KID

And if I don’t go?

MARVIN

(REVEALS HIS HOLSTER.) You’ll go; one way or another.

CUE SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC. THEY GLARE AT EACH OTHER, THEN SUDDENLY GO FOR THEIR HOLSTERS. MISS MIA JUMPS DOWN BETWEEN THEM. STOP MUSIC.

MIA

Boys! Boys! Boys! We can’t have gunplay in here. Take it to the O.K. Corral!

KID

(CLOSE-UP.) The O.K. Corral?!

MARVIN

(CLOSE-UP.) The O.K. Corral!

CUT TO MISS MIA STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER WEARING A GREEN DEALER’S VISOR. A SIGN HAS BEEN PLACED ON THE COUNTER. IT READS, "The O.K. Corral! Gunfights are Okay Here!" MISS MIA WHIPS OUT A PEN AND PAPER.

MIA

Name of the combatants?

MARVIN

Marshal Marvin D. Usher.

KID

(POURS ON THE CHARM.) You know who I am; I’m the SweetTart Kid.

MISS MIA IS CHARMED. MARVIN CLEARS HIS THROAT BREAKING HER SPELL.

MIA

Nature of the dispute?

MARVIN

This theatre ain’t big enough for the two of us.

MIA

(TO THE KID.) Size of your posse?

KID

Five.

MIA

(TO MARVIN.) Marshal?

MARVIN

One.

MIA

Marvin, that hardly seems fair!

MARVIN

Yer’ right. Better give him five more.

MIA

Okay! That’ll be two bits apiece, please.

MARVIN

I’m good fer’ it.

KID

You seem pretty confident you’ll live that long, Marshal.

MARVIN

We’ll see.

MIA

(WHISTLES.) Hey, Myron!

MYRON ENTERS ONSCREEN. HE IS WEARING A COWBOY COSTUME WITH A BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED SHIRT.

MYRON

Okay, boys! I want a nice, clean gunfight. No shooting your opponent in the back. No shooting of an unarmed man.

CUT TO A COWBOY WITH NO ARMS IN THE KID’S POSSE. HE STAMPS HIS FOOT.

UNARMED COWBOY

Oh, dag nabbit!

HE MOVES TO THE SIDELINES. CUT BACK TO MYRON.

MYRON

And anyone dying must do so with their boots on. Understood?

MARVIN AND KID

Yeah!

MYRON

Okay! Shake hands, go to your corners and when I say "action," come out shooting!

MARVIN AND THE KID SHAKE HANDS.

CUE SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC. CUT TO THE KID’S POSSE AND MARVIN GLARING AT EACH OTHER. MYRON CLAPS A CLAPBOARD.

MYRON

Action!

EVERYONE IN THE KID’S POSSE MAKE GUNS OUT OF THEIR HANDS AND START SHOOTING. CUE SOUNDS OF GUNFIRE AND RICOCHETING. SMOKE FILLS THE LOBBY. CUT TO POPCORN BUCKETS EXPLODING, THE SODA FOUNTAIN SPOUTING BEVERAGES, PINBALL MACHINES TILTING, A BYSTANDER DRINKING WITH LIQUID SPOUTING OUT FROM BULLET HOLES IN HIS/HER BODY, ETC. GUNFIRE CEASES. SMOKE CLEARS. MARVIN IS STILL STANDING.

MARVIN

Ya’ missed me!

EVERYONE IN THE KID’S POSSE RUN AWAY SCREAMING. MARVIN AND THE KID ARE LEFT FACING EACH OTHER. CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC.

KID

Well Marshal, I reckon only one of us will be leaving here without their toes pointing up.

MARVIN

I reckon so, Kid.

KID

Goodbye, Marv.

MARVIN

Goodbye, Sweetie.

MARVIN GOES FOR HIS HOLSTER AND DRAWS OUT HIS HAND FORMED INTO A GUN. THE KID GRABS A LONG LICORICE STICK FROM HIS BELT AND FLICKS IT. CUE A LOUD WHIP CRACK. MARVIN MIMES A GUN FLYING FROM HIS HAND. CUE GUN CLATTERING AS IT HITS THE FLOOR. MARVIN FALLS TO ONE KNEE AS HE GRABS HIS HAND. HE LOOKS UP TO SEE THE KID GOING FOR HIS HOLSTER. MARVIN QUICKLY REACHES INTO HIS BOOT. HE DRAWS OUT A BOX OF MILK DUDS AND SHOOTS IT LIKE A GUN. SLOW-MOTION AS THE KID SPILLS THE CHERRY SLUSHIE ON HIMSELF AND DROPS TO THE FLOOR. CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF HIS HAND. IT OPENS AND A SWEETTART FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

KID

(OFF-SCREEN. SIGHS.) SweetTart.

CUT TO MARVIN. HE BLOWS ON HIS BOX OF MILK DUDS AND HOLSTERS IT. MISS MIA RUNS UP AND THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIM.

MIA

Oh, Marvin! You were so noble and heroic!

MARVIN

Miss Mia, there’s nothing heroic or noble ‘bout shooting a man with a box of Milk Duds. But, when it comes to maintaining law and order for the good folks in this here Cineplex, sometimes a man’s gotta’ do what a man’s gotta’ do!

MIA

Oh, Marvin!

SHE KISSES HIM. MARVIN TAKES TWO QUARTERS OUT OF HIS VEST POCKET.

MARVIN

Here’s the four bits I promised ya.’

HE DROPS THE QUARTERS DOWN HER CLEAVAGE. SHE GASPS AS THE COLD METAL HITS HER SKIN. HE PICKS UP A HOBBYHORSE AND TOUCHES THE BRIM OF HIS HAT.

MARVIN

Miss Mia.

HE GALLOPS OFF TOWARDS A MOVIE POSTER FEATURING A SUNSET. MIA LOOKS AFTER HIM ADORINGLY.

CUT TO MIA AND THE KID IN TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY CLOTHING AT THE CONCESSION STAND. THEY ARE WATCHING MARVIN WITH PUZZLED EXPRESSIONS.

KID

What’s up with him?

CUT TO MARVIN IN HIS TUXEDO RIDING AROUND THE LOBBY ON THE HANDLE OF THE BROOM. CUT TO MIA AND THE KID.

MIA

Oh, he does stuff like that all the time.

The End

It has been suggested to have the role of The Kid be played by an actor in the 10-12 year old range and the members of his posse also be boys and girls in roughly the same age group. In that context, Miss Mia could be a more motherly or grandmotherly character type.