Andyus Caesar………………………………..........Slow Andy’s ancient Roman ancestor

Brutus………………………………........................Ancient Roman senator

Mark Anthony………………………………...........Roman centurion

William Shakespeare……………………………….The Bard

Roman senators, throng of people

ANCIENT ROME. THE STEPS LEADING UP TO THE SENATE BUILDING. THE SENATORS ARE ALIGNED AT THE TOP. ANDYUS STANDS A FEW STEPS BELOW THEM. BRUTUS AND MARK ANTHONY ARE A STEP BELOW ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM. ALL ARE DRESSED IN TOGAS, EXCEPT FOR MARK ANTHONY WHO IS DRESSED AS A ROMAN CENTURION. A THRONG OF PEOPLE STAND AT THE FOOT OF THE STEPS. MARK ANTHONY HAS ANDYUS’ “A” LETTERED BASEBALL CAP ON A VELVET PILLOW.

ANTHONY

Oh! Great and mighty Andyus Caesar! Will you accept this crown and be our king and emperor of Rome?

ANTHONY KNEELS AND PRESENTS THE PILLOW TO ANDYUS. ANDYUS STARTS TO REACH FOR IT, THEN HESITATES.

ANDYUS

What day is it?

ANTHONY

(NOT THE RESPONSE HE WAS EXPECTING) I’m sorry, what?

ANDYUS

What day is it, today?

BRUTUS

(PUZZLED BY ANDYUS’ QUERY) Um… Well, it’s the Ides of March.

ANDYUS

The Ides of March?

BRUTUS

Yes, the Ides of March.

ANDYUS

Oh. (CLASPS HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK AND STEPS AWAY FROM THE PILLOW) Um, no thanks.

A GASP IS HEARD FROM THE CROWD. BRUTUS AND ANTHONY, NOT SURE WHAT TO DO, SCURRY UP THE STEPS AND HUDDLE WITH THE OTHER SENATORS. AFTER A BRIEF DISCUSSION, EVERYONE RESUMES THEIR ORIGINAL POSITIONS.

ANTHONY

Oh! Great and mighty Andyus Caesar! It is the decision of the Roman senate that Rome needs a king for her greater glory! (KNEELS BEFORE ANDYUS AND PRESENTS THE BASEBALL CAP) Will you therefore accept this crown and become our king and emperor of Rome?

ANDYUS

(HEMS AND HAWS SLIGHTLY) No… I don’t think so.

A LOUDER GASP IS HEARD FROM THE CROWD. BRUTUS, ANTHONY AND THE SENATORS LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN BEWILDERMENT. SOMEONE IN THE CROWD STARTS CHANTING “ANDYUS CAESAR, ANDYUS CAESAR!” MORE PEOPLE JOIN IN UNTIL THE CHANTING REACHES A CRESCENDO WITH THE SENATORS JOINING IN. ANTHONY AGAIN KNEELS BEFORE ANDYUS.

BRUTUS

Hear them, Caesar! The people of Rome have decided they need a king! They have chosen you, Andyus Caesar, to lead them to Rome’s greater glory!

ANTHONY

Great and mighty Andyus Caesar! Will you now accept this crown and become our king and the emperor of Rome?

ANDYUS

Well… (HEMS AND HAWS SOME MORE) Eh, what the heck? Why not?

ANDYUS TAKES THE BASEBALL CAP AND PLACES IT ON HIS HEAD. LOUD CHEERING AND CELEBRATING ERUPTS. BRUTUS RAISES HIS HANDS FOR SILENCE.

BRUTUS

Hail great and mighty Andyus Caesar! Sire! What is your first decree as king and emperor of Rome?

ANDYUS

Oh…um. Well, as your king… um- and emperor of Rome.. uh, my first decree is-

BRUTUS

TYRANT!!

THE OTHER SENATORS START PUMMELLING ANDYUS WITH FEATHER PILLOWS AND STUFFED ANIMALS WHILE YELLING “TYRANT, DICTATOR, ETC.” ANDYUS BREAKS AWAY FROM THEM AND STAGGERS TOWARDS BRUTUS.

ANDYUS

Et, tu, Brute?

BRUTUS

Gesundheit!

BRUTUS BOPS ANDYUS ON THE HEAD WITH HIS FEATHER PILLOW. THE PILLOW BREAKS AND FEATHERS FLY EVERYWHERE. ANDYPHUS DROPS TO THE GROUND. CAMERA FOLLOWS A SINGLE FEATHER AS IT FALLS ONTO ANDYUS’ FACE. ANTHONY STEPS IN FRONT OF ANDYUS AND RAISES HIS HANDS.

ANTHONY

Friends! Romans! Countrymen! Lend me your ears!

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE ENTERS ONSCREEN AND POINTS AN ACCUSING FINGER AT ANTHONY.

SHAKESPEARE

PLAGIARIST!!

SHAKESPEARE NAILS ANTHONY WITH A RED, RUBBER BALL. EVERYONE ELSE STARTS PUMMELLING ANTHONY WITH RUBBER BALLS. FADE TO BLACK.

The End