Bleedin' Prairie Planning Committee #1

Title: Bleedin' Prairie Planning Committee #1
By Jim Nordgaard
7/12/2001

INT. A simple meeting room with a table, around which sits 4 members of the Bleedin' Prairie Planning Committee.

Mrs. Snitpicker
(rapping gravel on table) Okay, let's come to order.
As chairperson of the Bleedin' Prairie Planning Committee,
I call this meeting to order. The first order of business is to read
the minutes of the last meeting. Mr. Pinkelstein, would you read the minutes.

Mr. Pinkelstein
(raises from he seat, and fumbles through his papers) ah...um...oh here it is. Ahem...
(reading) the following decisions were considered in the prior
meeting of the planning commission:

1. Mr. Bing, as a member of the Planning Committee,...(Mr. Bing snorts)...shall
hence forth, during, prior to, and after any meeting, refrain from calling
Mrs. Snitpicker a sniveling pigheaded lard bucket. Approved
by a vote of three affirmative to Mr. Bing's vote against.
2. The city of Bleedin' Prairie shall henceforth be known by all as a city of great
distinction, and not be characterized bland characterless suburb,
and any newspaper who characterizes our city as thus shall be
declared as a bad newspaper. Approved unanimously.
3. All mice, rats, and any rodents with beady eyes shall no longer be permitted
on any public space within the city of Bleedin' Prairie, nor in
Mrs. Knickerbocker's basement. Approved two affirmative to
one against, with Mr. Bing sleeping again.

Mrs. Snitpicker
Thank you Mr. Pinkelstein. All in favor of approval of the minutes...

Three hands go up.

Mr. Bing
I object! I object to my name being mentioned in the minutes.

Mrs. Snitpicker
You can't object to the minutes, Mr. Bing. Anyway,
you have been outvoted. The minutes are approved. Now, on to old business...

Mr. Bing
(under breath) Sniveling pigheaded lard bucket.

Mrs. Snitpicker
I heard that! You're on report Mr. Bing. All in favor of
putting Mr. Bing on report (three hands go up). Approved.
Now, any old business?

Mr. Pinkelstein
Just the letter to the editor whose wording
was finalized by the Letter To The Editor
of the Bad Newspaper Subcommittee.

Mrs. Snitpicker
Thank you Mr. Pinkelstein. Any discussion on the letter to the editor?

Mrs. Knickerbocker
I would like to make an amendment.

Mrs. Snitpicker
Mrs. Knickerbocker would like to make and an amendment.
What is your amendment Mrs. Knickerbocker?

Mrs. Knickerbocker
Weasels.

Mr. Bing
Weasels?

Mrs. Snitpicker
Would you please be more specific, Mrs Knickerbocker?

Mrs. Kickerbocker
I would also like weasels prohibited from my basement.

Mrs. Snitpicker
Mrs. Knickerbocker, we covered rodents in your basement at
the last meeting. We are now doing the letter to the editor.
Now all in favor of sending the letter as currently written.
(four hands go up). Good. Now we have one
more quick piece of old business before going on to new business.
After much prodding, I finally got the legal department to
respond to our proposal to copyright and trademark the city
name "Bleedin' Prairie" as well as the words "Bleedin'"
and "Prairie," and any combination of the two words.
Mr Bing, I believe you have the memo. Would you read it please?

Mr. Bing
Why? I already read it.

Mrs. Snitpicker
Outloud!

Mr. Bing
It says; Mrs. Snitpicker is a sniveling pigheaded
lard bucket.

Mrs. Snitpicker
MIS-TER BING! (snatches paper from Mr. Bing's hands, and
begins reading) TO: Bleedin' Prairie Planning Committee FROM: Legal Department.
RE: Your copyright proposal. (pause/ahems) Stop wasting our time. (stops reading).
In light of this recent development, I move that we table
this proposal for further refinement. Now for new business. We
have several requests for restaurant building permits to consider.
Mr. Pinkelstein, would you let in the first applicant?

Mr. Pinkelstein gets up and goes off stage, and returns with Applicant #1.

Mrs. Snitpicker
Okay, sir, you are wishing to build a steakhouse, correct?

Applicant #1
That's correct. According to research, the steakhouse is one
of the fastest growing restaurant franchises in the nation,
and also one of the most profitable. We intend to build a traditional
style steakhouse with a rustic decor, making use of oak and pine paneling...

Mrs. Snitpicker
Excuse, me. Did you say oak and pine?

Applicant #1
That's correct. Oak and pine panel to give the feel of...

Mrs. Snitpicker
But oak and pine are made from trees, are they not?

Applicant #1
Ah..that's right...as I was saying...

Mrs. Snitpicker
Trees grow in a forest. So your restaurant will have the decor of a forest?

Applicant #1
Well, I guess you could say that.

Mrs. Snitpicker
But this is Bleedin' Prairie. A prairie is not a forest.

Applicant #1
But...

Mrs. Snitpicker
I'm afraid we will have to reject your application.
Good day sir.

Applicant #1 leaves dejected. Applicant #2 enters.

Applicant #2
I would like to build a first class fine restaurant in Bleedin' Prairie
that will draw discriminating clientele from all over the area to
your city. We will have the finest cuisine prepared, including a
broad selection of seafood flown in daily from...

Mrs. Snitpicker
Seafood?

Applicant #2
Yes

Mrs. Snitpicker
We are not on an ocean, sir. NEXT!

Applicant #2 leaves. Applicant #3 enters, hold a sketch on a tag board.

Applicant #3
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I believe you have already have
seen the application, so let me just let you present this artist's
conception of what the restaurant might look like (hands board to Mr Bing),
and let you know how sensitive you are about getting
business establishments fit into the unique character
of you city, and that our franchise have architects that
are experienced in allowing our restaurants
fit into just about every community around the...

Mr.Bing
(while handing board to Mrs. Snitpicker)
What are those big yellow things in front of the building?

Applicant #3
Uh..That's the golden arches. It our trademark symbol.

Mrs. Snitpicker
Unfortunately, it doesn't fit in with our city's character.
I'm afraid we will have to reject your application.

Applicant #3
But...But...we have restaurants in virtual every community
in the world! We have a restaurant in Teinimen Square,
right ON the square! We have one INSIDE
the Vatican. We even have our golden arches in the Louvre!

Mrs. Snitpicker
Well that may be, but Paris isn't Bleedin' Prairie, now is it?
NEXT!

END.

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