Catfood

"CATFOOD"

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

A MAITRE D', dressed in a formal suit, waits at a reception desk. A FIRST CUSTOMER comes in. He holds a leash. All characters are visible only from the waist up.

MAITRE D'

Good evening, sir.

FIRST CUSTOMER

Good evening. This is the cat restaurant?

MAITRE D'

Indeed it is, sir.

FIRST CUSTOMER

I'm afraid it's my first time.

MAITRE D'

Just relax, sir. Here at the Cafe Felicity, your cat will enjoy the very finest in domestic and imported cuisine. Every dish guaranteed fresh, or your money back.

FIRST CUSTOMER

Great. Is there a menu?

MAITRE D'

No need for a menu, sir. Your cat

will personally choose every item from our, as we say, smorgasbord.

FIRST CUSTOMER

He chooses? Oh, you mean as I might choose my own lobster from a tank.

MAITRE D'

Quite right, sir.

FIRST CUSTOMER

I see. A table for one cat, then.

MAITRE D'

No tables, sir.

FIRST CUSTOMER

Oh. Then where does he go to make his selections?

MAITRE D'

On the floor, sir.

FIRST CUSTOMER

You mean, just let him loose?

MAITRE D'

Certainly.

FIRST CUSTOMER

All right, then.

(bending over)

There you go, Tubby.

MAITRE D'

(looking past the customer)

He seems to have selected his appetizer already.

A MEOW is followed by a SQUEAK.

FIRST CUSTOMER

Oh, I get it. The menu items are just running aroun---AAAAHHH!

The first customer frantically brushes something off his leg.

MAITRE D'

Ah, yes. That was one of our more popular dessert items. Were you bitten, sir?

FIRST CUSTOMER

No, I'm fine.

MAITRE D'

(looking past the customer)

For his entree, your cat has selected the South Andean spotted marmoset. Excellent choice, sir.

The first customer follows the maitre d''s gaze. A MEOW and a lower-pitched SQUEAK are heard.

FIRST CUSTOMER

And now he's going for that little gray--what do you call it?

MAITRE D'

Science calls it Rhinastra griseus. We call it a garnish.

FIRST CUSTOMER

Ah. And now that colorful--

A hearty MEOW rings out.

SQUAWKING VOICE (O.S.)

BRRAWWWKK! Mayday! Mayday!

FIRST CUSTOMER

--parrot.

MAITRE D'

One of our delicacies. Is your cat a fighter, sir?

FIRST CUSTOMER

Not particularly. Why do you ask?

MAITRE D'

I believe the calico is about to challenge him for that meadow vole.

The first customer winces as LOUD YOWLS and HISSES are heard.

MAITRE D' (cont'd)

Sorry, sir. It appears she wanted it more.

FIRST CUSTOMER

Quite all right.

A SECOND CUSTOMER approaches. He holds a leash.

SECOND CUSTOMER

(Australian accent)

(to MAITRE D')

Hello, mate. I have a reservation for six o'clock.

The first customer looks with alarm at the second customer and what's at the end of the leash.

MAITRE D'

Very good, sir.

SECOND CUSTOMER

(bending over)

All right, Slinky. There you go.

The second customer and maitre d' look in the direction the second customer appears to have released his cat. The first customer looks apoplectic.

FIRST CUSTOMER

(to maitre d')

Do you allow that?

MAITRE D'

Allow what, sir?

FIRST CUSTOMER

That cat.

MAITRE D'

Why certainly, sir. All cats are welcome here.

FIRST CUSTOMER

But he's got a leopard!

The first customer turns to watch the action.

FIRST CUSTOMER (contd)

Tubby! Come here, Tubby! Tubby! Oh, no! Tubby! No!

A LOUD ROAR and frantic MEOW are heard.

MAITRE D'

Sorry, sir. We do guarantee all diners their choice of items.

FIRST CUSTOMER

But this is absurd! A leopard is a large and dangerous animal. You can't allow them in a restaurant.

MAITRE D'

Oh, but our policy is quite clear. We turn no cat away.

FIRST CUSTOMER

But--oh, Tubby! Tubby!

MAITRE D'

It's a funny thing about leopards, though. They're very fickle. Africans say that when a big cat falls through the roof of your hut, you'd better hope it's a lion and not a leopard.

FIRST CUSTOMER

Why? Aren't leopards fierce enough? Aren't they vicious and cruel enough? Oh, Tubby, Tubby!

MAITRE D'

Actually, they say a lion will select one victim and stay with it. But a leopard will jump from victim to victim, and no one is safe.

FIRST CUSTOMER

Now really, what is the point--

The ROAR of a big cat resounds. The first customer turns toward the sound in terror.

FIRST CUSTOMER

AAHHH!

The LEOPARD jumps on the first customer, who falls over backward and disappears.

SECOND CUSTOMER

Oh, sorry, mate.

GROWLING AND HUMAN CRIES are heard. Then all is silent.

MAITRE D'

Yes, quite fickle. They hardly know which victim to choose. And when their blood is up, even their masters can't--

The second customer suddenly looks terrified.

SECOND CUSTOMER

Slinky, no!

Another ROAR is heard. The second customer CRIES OUT and falls backward with the leopard upon him. The maitre d' looks at a space near his feet as GROWLING AND HUMAN CRIES are heard. Then all is quiet.

The maitre d' casts his eyes around the room as a CACOPHONY OF ROARS, MEOWS, SQUEAKS AND HUMAN CRIES breaks out. There is a pause, then a single SQUEAK followed by a ROAR.

The maitre d' looks at his watch. Then he looks up and emits a short CRY. The leopard jumps on him with a ROAR, and they both go down. GROWLS are heard, then silence.

A THIRD CUSTOMER arrives.

THIRD CUSTOMER

(looking around)

Hello.

Torn and bloodied, the maitre d' clutches the reception desk and struggles to his feet

MAITRE D'

Good evening, sir.

THIRD CUSTOMER

I'd like dinner for my puma.

MAITRE D'

Very good, sir.

The maitre d' glances quickly to left and right.