Cowboys Staked Out On Ground

Premise – Recurring spot. Two cowboys Tex and Slim staked to the ground and left to die.

EXT. DAY

SLIM

Well this is it Tex. The bandidos staked us to the ground and poured honey on us. It’s 110 degrees, the ants are all over us and we haven’t had water in days. I’m afraid we’re about through.

TEX

(Looks at Slim for a moment kind of disgustedly)

Geez you’re sure a whiner today. A few ants, some heat and no water and it’s waa waa waa I don’t feel good.

SLIM

You moron. We’re going to die a slow painful death here!

TEX

It’s not so bad here. The sun feels nice today.

SLIM

(beat) Your nuts! Don’t talk to me.

TEX

Fine.

(A few moments of eye rolling and reacting to each other. No dialogue.)

END

2) (Cowboys staked out on ground).

EXT. DAY

SLIM

(Looking down at his chest).

Hey Tex? What kind of ants are these?

TEX

Those are Mexican Red Devils, the meanest, hongry-est little varmits to ever eat a man alive.

SLIM

I don’t mean those. I mean the little black ones. They look like the common small black ant, Formicidae Pledicus, common to North America. But the climate here is too arid for them. Now if it were Formicidae Teliscus, identified by their black abdomen and lighter colored head, that would make sense for this climate.

TEX

(beat) I don’t give a dang about no black ants. Now shut up and let me get eaten in peace.

SLIM

Hey the red ones are eating the little black ones! (beat) Hey leave them alone you meanies!

(starts blowing on his chest. After a moment he stops.)

The little black ones are all gone. Now we’ll never know for sure what they were.

TEX

(beat) You need a hobby.

END.

EXT. DAY

(Slim and Tex are tied up, back to back. An indian warrior dances a war dance around them. He stops.)

WARRIOR

You have driven off our horses and stole our women! (beat) Or was it driven off our women and stole our horses? Anyway, it doesn’t matter! Now you will die a slow, painful death.

(A lawyer in a suit with a briefcase appears. As he talks he sets up a small folding table.)

LAWYER

I’m Mergenstern of Mergenstern Mergenstern Mergenstern (beat) and sons.

(Hands warrior his card)

I’ll be representing the accused today.

(The cowboys look confused).

What are the charges against my clients?

(The lawyer pulls papers out of his briefcase and begins setting them on table).

WARRIOR

They stole our women and drove off our horses!

LAWYER

I see. So we’re looking at malicious mischief with intent to deprive owner of lawful property and second degree burglary.

WARRIOR

Huh?

LAWYER

(looks at papers for a moment).

I’m going to move right now that all charges be dropped and my clients be released on the grounds that no miranda rights were read, a phone call was not provided, and legal council was not afforded the defendants.

WARRIOR

I no release them! I KILL THEM! Slowly! Then I cut them up and feed their entrails to the dogs!

LAWYER

(His cell phone rings)

Just a second I have to get this.

(Answers. While he talks the warrior and the cowboys look confused and disgusted).

Hello? Hey Max baby! How goes it? (beat) Ya I’m on a case right now but we should be able to wrap it up in a few minutes and I can be over for our 2:00 tee time. It’s $100 a hole we’re betting right? Gotcha! I’m getting my money back this time. O.k. we’ll see you in a few!

(hangs up).

O.k. lets get this taken care of. If my clients aren’t released right now we’ll be down here SO FAST with a wrongful arrest lawsuit SO BIG there won’t be enough ponies on Earth to pay for it. (beat) What do you think of that?

EXT. DAY

Next shot – Lawyer is tied up. Warrior is war dancing around him. The cowboys are free and running away.

TEX

I guess it’s true when they say it pays to have a good lawyer.

SLIM

Yup!

TEX

Do you think we could use him again in the future?

SLIM

(looking back at him)

I don’t think so!

END

EXT. DAY

(Slim and Tex are tied up, back to back. An indian warrior dances a war dance around them. He stops with a menacing look and holds a knife at their throats.)