Diet Skit

By Jim Nordgaard 6/3/01

Announcer (V.O.)
Do you enjoy eating tuna free dolphin?
Do you binge on barbequed baby harp seals?
Do you gorge on too many of those succulent spotted owls?
Don't fret, 'cause now there's a diet plan just for you.
Rush Limbaugh's diet plan for portly conservatives.
That's right, no longer will you be such a big target
for those nasty liberals. Now you can trim the fat
off those abs like George W. trims the fat off school
lunch programs. Just listen to what conservatives
like you are saying about Rush's diet plan:

Fat Man #1
I lost three and a half pounds in just 18 months.

Fat Man #2
I only gained 5 pounds in the last year.
I usually gain 10 or 15 a year. Thanks Rush.

Fat Man #3
It was amazing. I had no appetite during the entire
Clinton administration. I lost 50 pounds just during the impeachment
hearings. Of course I've gained 75 pounds since the inauguration.

Announcer (V.O.)
I'm sure you're wondering how we manage to achieve
such amazing results. A few years ago, Rush teamed up
with Monsanto genetic researchers and the National Meat Packers
Union to come up with a scientifically proven weight loss plan
that guarantees your right to unlimited consumption.
We can't give you the details of the plan, at least until a few
more FDA administrators gets early retirement,
but we can promise you amazing results like these:

Shot of Fat Man with "Before" caption. Another shot of same Fat Man (or a fatter man) with an "After" caption.

Announcer (V.O.)
So join the nearly dozens of white men like these...

Shot of a group of fat men together nodding and congratulating themselves.

Announcer (V.O.)
...who have successfully completed Rush Limbaugh's Diet Plan
for portly conservatives. Sign up today!

Pizza Man appears, with large pizza box.

Pizza Man
Okay, who ordered the super large, deep dish,
meat lover's pizza with extra cheese?
[or] Super large, deep dish, meat lover's pizza
with extra cheese for Jared?

Fat men all raise their hands, and rush the Pizza Man. Pizza Man starts backing off.

Announcer (V.O.) AND screen titles
(quickly) Actual results may vary. The plan has not been
disproven by any scientific studies so far. Not available
in certain states where consumer laws are enforced.. Not
liable for any damage to bathroom scales or toilet bowls.

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