Finding A Celeb

Finding a Celebrity-Ver. 1
Written by Annie Wallick

INT. A MEETING ROOM

FOUR PEOPLE SIT AT THE TABLE. ON ONE SIDE SITS TWO REPS FROM THE WAZOO SHOW-TWO YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE FEMALES (ERIN & SUSAN), ON THE OTHER IS A YOUNG, DISHEVELED, NOT SO ATTRACTIVE CELEBRITY MALE AND HIS AGENT. THE FOUR ARE DISCUSSING HOW TO GET THE CELEBRITY TO DO AN INTRO FOR THE SHOW-AGENT WANTS THE CELEBRITY (AND THEREFORE, HIMSELF) TO GET PAID; THE WAZOO REPS WANT HIM TO DO IT FOR FREE OR FOR REALLY, REALLY CHEAP.

SUSAN:
Look, sir, I appreciate your position as an agent to Mr.________ here, but you've got to try to understand! Shoe string budget doesn't begin to describe how little money we have for this project! Please, we just want a quick 30 second intro from your client. It'd mean local exposure for him and we'd be very, very grateful.

AGENT:
Look, I'm all for the arts, girls, but my client, Mr.________ got into this business to both make a name for my-himself and to make me-him money. I can't just allow him to flash his pretty face everywhere for nothing!

ALL THIS TIME THE CELEBRITY SITS SILENTLY, SMIRKING. LOOKING AMUSED AT THE SPECTACLE BEFORE HIM. THE GIRLS, THOUGH UNNERVED BY THE CELEBRITY'S APPEARANCE, ARE DETERMINED TO HAVE HIM ON THE SHOW

ERIN:
Mr. Johnson, I told you we're willing to discuss a nominal fee for his services-

AGENT:
Nominal don't make the payments on my hot tub, girl!
GIRL #2 FROWNS

PAUSE

SUSAN:

How 'bout $50?

AGENT:

No.

ERIN:

$75.

AGENT:

No.

SUSAN:

$102!

AGENT:

No!

ERIN:
(w/Scottish accent)

20p and a kiss!

EVERYONE LOOKS PERPLEXED

AGENT:

What?

ERIN:

Sorry...too much Monty Python...

SUSAN:
Look, Mr.________, please...

'BATTLE OF THE HYMN REPUBLIC' PLAYS IN BACKGROUND. AGENT AND CELEBRITY LISTEN WITH RAPT ATTENTION

SUSAN:
(cont'd)
Out of the goodness of your heart, can't you look past the bureaucracy for just this once? Just this one time, can't you look at the entertainment industry as entertainment, and not an industry? Can't you do it for the tens of people who watch our show and expect an adequately recognizable celebrity to lead them into the newest episode? Can't you do it for them?

ERIN BITES HER LIP. THE CELEBRITY LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS IN HIS AGENT'S EAR. THE AGENT DOES NOT LOOK HAPPY.

AGENT:
(to celebrity)

All right, all right!

(to Susan)
Very well, Mr.________ agrees to do the spot gratis, if the your friend goes out on a date with him.

ERIN:

WHAT?!

SUSAN SMILES BIG

SUSAN:

We'll take it!

ERIN:

Whoa, time out!

THE GIRLS TURN THEIR CHAIRS, SO THEY ARE FACING AWAY THE AGENT AND THE CELEBRITY

ERIN:
(cont'd in a harsh whisper)
What the hell?! You can't just pimp me so we can get some celebrity to do the stupid intro!

SUSAN:
Aw, come on, Erin! You know we've just about fished this famous-person lake dry! We need this!

ERIN:

Well, why don't you go out with him, Susan?

SUSAN:
Because he asked you. And boy, am I glad it wasn't me!

ERIN SCOFFS. THEY STEAL A GLANCE AT THE CELEBRITY WHO SMILES A GOOFY SMILE AND WAVES. THEY TURN BACK AROUND.

ERIN:

Oh god...

SUSAN:
Oh, come on, do it for the show!

ERIN:

Oh god...alright.

THEY TURN BACK AROUND

ERIN:
(despondent)

Deal.

CELEBRITY:

Sweet!

CUT TO THE CELEBRITY-STILL LOOKING SCRUFFY AND DISHEVELED FINISHING UP THE INTRO:

CELEBRITY:
(to camera)
...so, here it is! The latest episode of the Wazoo show! (to ERIN) And I'll be seeing you later, sweetie!

HE WINKS. CUT TO ERIN STANDING BEHIND THE CAMERA. SHE LOWERS HER HEAD AND COVERS HER FACE

ERIN:

Oh god...

AT THE END OF THE SHOW:

THE GIRLS STAND AROUND, WAITING FOR THE CELEBRITY TO SHOW UP.

ERIN:
I can't believe I let you talk me into this!

SUSAN:
Oh, it's one date! Besides, you never know what may develop!

SUSAN PLAYFULLY ELBOWS ERIN

ERIN:
You know, you're really not making this any easier for me!

SUSAN:
Why should I? After all, it isn't me who has to go out on this date!

ERIN:
(hopelessly)

Oh god...

A VERY ATTRACTIVE LOOKING MAN WALKS UP TO THE GIRLS-IT IS THE CELEBRITY, ALL CLEANED UP AND LOOKING FABULOUS

CELEBRITY:

Hi! Ready to go?

THE GIRLS LOOK CONFUSED

SUSAN:

Who are you?

CELEBRITY:

I'm ________

ERIN:

Oh my god!

SUSAN:

But you're-you're...hot!

CELEBRITY:

Well, thank you!

SUSAN STARES AT THE CELEBRITY, STUNNED AT HIS TRANSFORMATION

ERIN:

What was with all that grunginess earlier?

CELEBRITY:

Oh, I'm not really like that at all.

ERIN:

Then why do it?

CELEBRITY:

I thought it'd be funnier.

ERIN:
(to Celebrity) Oh!...(to Susan) Well, hope you have a fun night, Susan-after all, it isn't you who has to go out on this date!

ERIN TAKES CELEBRITY BY THE ARM-THEY EXIT. SUSAN STANDS, STILL LOOKING STUNNED.

*NOTE: the names 'Erin' and 'Susan' were just written in for name's sake-if shot, we would probably use the girls' real names.

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