The Friggin' Obvious

FADE IN

ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for THE FRIGGIN' OBVIOUS, with your host, Barry Prattle.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

BARRY PRATTLE sits between two GUESTS, SEYMOUR DOOLESS, a middle-aged man, and BRENDA ROUNDATRACK, a middle-aged woman (who could be a man in drag). Prattle is deferential in manner. He addresses the home audience.

PRATTLE
Good evening. I'm Barry Prattle, and this is The Friggin' Obvious. A show dedicated to bringing you up-to-the-minute discoveries in the world of the apparent, the evident, the prima facie (for you lawyer viewers), the most patently, excruciatingly obvious. To my right is Professor Seymour Dooless of Western Dakota Understated University.

Dooless nods to the audience.

PRATTLE
And to my left is Dr. Brenda Roundatrack of Fridley University.

Roundatrack acknowledges the viewers.

PRATTLE (cont'd)
I'll start with you, Professor Dooless. I understand you have made an amazing discovery.

DOOLESS
Indeed I have, if I may be so bold.

PRATTLE
In fact, I think it's fair to say your discovery has sent ripples through the ranks of scholars of the obvious.

DOOLESS
You're too kind.

PRATTLE
Well, let's not keep our audience in suspense any longer. What, Professor Dooless, have you discovered?

DOOLESS
I have discovered that on the surface of the globe, there are very, very few points, that is, very, very few places, that are very close to us.

PRATTLE
Fascinating. Do continue.

DOOLESS
In sharp contrast, there are, on the surface of the globe, very, very many points, that is, very, very many places, that are very far from us.

PRATTLE
Astounding. I believe you're on to something, professor.

DOOLESS
Yes. And further, this relationship holds everywhere on the planet. Wherever you are, there are many, many more places that are far away than places that are very close.

PRATTLE
That is really incredibly obvious. Now you are, of course, known for your 1992 study of attacks by wild animals, in which you showed that a person is more likely to be killed in such an attack if the animal is large and fierce, rather than small and timid. Do you think this latest study will be as favorably received?

DOOLESS
I would hope that's obvious.

PRATTLE
As I said, incredible. Now let's turn to Dr. Roundatrack. What have you discovered in the realm of the obvious?

ROUNDATRACK
I have made a study of the mathematical sciences. And it is my conclusion that all problems in one of the mathematical sciences, namely arithmetic, are easy, while all problems in other branches of mathematical science, such as nonlinear differential calculus, Riemannian geometry, topological analysis, and probabilistic stochastic processes, are hard.

PRATTLE
That is quite a conclusion, Dr. Roundatrack. How long did it take you to arrive at it?

ROUNDATRACK
Forty minutes.

PRATTLE
And I think that speaks to the rather strong claim this piece of work has to being one of the most deeply and genuinely obvious conclusions we've seen this year. In my opinion, it ranks with your celebrated 1995 finding that the rhetoric put out by the major political parties is pure drivel. Are you working on any corollaries of your current theory?

ROUNDATRACK
Yes. I'm doing a study of practical applications of probability theory as it applies to personal monetary flow at multiple-repeat, competitive interaction establishments.

PRATTLE
And such an establishment would be...?

ROUNDATRACK
The horsetrack.

PRATTLE
I see. And what is your working hypothesis?

ROUNDATRACK
That most people lose.

PRATTLE
A daunting challenge, but I'm sure you're up to it, Doctor.

DOOLESS
I'm not so sure.

PRATTLE
I beg your pardon, professor?

DOOLESS
It's not obvious that she's up to it. If her early work is any indication, she'll get sidetracked and end up articulating a result that's subtle and hopelessly profound.

ROUNDATRACK
Look who's talking. When you were a graduate student, it took you six tries to prove the pope wasn't Jewish.

DOOLESS
Four tries.

PRATTLE
Please, let's maintain our civil--

ROUNDATRACK
(to Professor)
You couldn't prove that your own shit stinks.

Roundatrack leans toward Dooless. He follows suit.

DOOLESS
Yes, I could.

ROUNDATRACK
No, you couldn't.

DOOLESS
Yes, I could.

ROUNDATRACK
Could not.

DOOLESS
Could too.

ROUNDATRACK
Could not.

DOOLESS
Could too.

PRATTLE
(overlapping)
Well, ladies and gentlemen, there we have it.

Roundatrack and Dooless go down fighting in front of Prattle.

DOOLESS
You couldn't even prove that "Waterboy" was a lousy movie.

The fight goes on, with AD LIBS, as Prattle signs off.

PRATTLE
This has been The Friggin' Obvious. Good night.

THE END

WaZoo!

This site designed and maintained by Celtic Fringe Web Design