First Wish

First Wish
by Jim Nordgaard 3/17/01
concept by Bob Webster
Director's Notes are at the end of the document.

EXT. A bum in a trench coat is laying against a brick building. As pedestrians walk by, he raises his hand an asks for change. A man walks just past the bum, stops and checks his watch.

Bum
Psssst. Hey you.

The man looks around and spots the bum.

Bum
Hey mister. Wanna see what I got underneath here?

The man looks disgusted, starts to walk away.

Bum
Wait mister! (Gets up, pulls out old oil lamp) I've got
something you'll want. Just look!

The man looks back and sees the bum with the lamp. Curious, he turns around.

Bum
Look. I got this from some guy in a poker game.
He said it's a magic lamp. If you rub it you
get three wishes. I'll sell it to you for fifty bucks.

The man comes closer to take a good look.

Man
How can I believe you?

Bum
Ok, twenty bucks.

Man
I don't think so. (starts to walk away)

Bum
(looks desperate) 10 bucks...5 bucks...
I'll give it to you! For nothing!

Man
(turns around again) Really?

Bum
It's rusty so you gotta rub it hard..

The bum tosses the man the lamp, and quickly sprints off screen. The man looks quizzingly in the direction of the bum for a moment, then inspects the lamp. He starts rubbing it. Nothing happens. He tries to rub harder. Still nothing. He crouches down sideways against the wall, with the lamp between his legs and starts rubbing vigorously. A woman walks by, looks down at the man, looks disgusted, and walks off in a huff.

Finally, the man raises up the lamp as smoke starts coming out of the snout. He spots another pedestrian coming and he hides the lamp behind his back. The pedestrian walks by, and notices the smoke.

Pedestrian
Excuse me, sir. Would you mind putting that out?
Don't you know that they've prohibited smoking in this state?

The man nods nervously, and the pedestrian walks on. The man rubs the lamp some more and suddenly there's a flash, and a genie appears.

Genie
Ah, jeez, couldn't you have waited a couple more
centuries? My dream with the red head was just getting good.

Man
Uh, who are you?

Genie
Who do you think I am? Jesse the Body?. Ahem.
For releasing me from this bottle, I grant you...

Man
Ah, lamp.

Genie
Lamp? (Looks) Distinctly recall being deposited in a bottle. How the
hell did I...? Well never mind. I am here to grant you three wishes.
Any three wishes... (Fast, and barely audible)
Void where prohibited. Some restrictions apply.

Man
Oh wow! I can't believe it! Finally I get lucky.
Finally I can get what I want. Boy, it's like winning the lottery.

Genie
(pulling out pad and quill) ...okay, first wish...winning the lottery.

Man
No! Wait! That's not my first wish! Let's see...my
first wish is...okay, I wish for a million more wishes.

Genie
Sorry. You can wish that.

Man
Why not?

Genie
You just can't. It's against the rules.

Man
What rules?

Genie
I don't know. It's just the rules.

Man
Okay. What if I wish for total happiness.

O.S. Voice (Genie's Lawyer)
That is overly broad and ambiguous.

Man
Who was that?

Genie
My attorney.

A well dressed lawyer appears from off screen, beside the Genie. [Lawyer could also appear at the snap of the genie's fingers.]

Genie's Lawyer
Wishes must be clearly defined, specific
in form, and unambiguously grantable.

Man
Well, then how about the sudden, hideous
deaths of all lawyers in the world. That's pretty specific.

Genie
(writing on pad) First wish; sudden, hideous...

Lawyer stops him writing, turns to man.

Genie's Lawyer
Look, sir. I would advise you to take this seriously.
We have developed a long, throughly researched
protocol for handling all contingencies in the practice
of granting emancipation generated favors;
the least you could do be a little more
thoughtful in formulating your wishes.

Man
Okay, what if I wished for money. Say a million,
no bill-trillion. A trillion dollars in cash!

Genie's Lawyer
(sighs, pulling out thick legal document, and turning pages)
Article 19, section 4, paragraph 14 clearly sets out fiduciary
obligations to avoid, "upsetting, overwhelming, undermining,
or otherwise adversely effecting any global or national currency,
or perpetuating the collapse, downturn, or stagnation
of any major economic system."

Man
Jeez. What can I wish for?

A well dressed pedestrian walks by, and pauses no one takes note.

Genie
Why not try for something generous and
unselfish. That stuff usually flies.

Man
Okay. What about world peace. Could I wish for simple world peace?

The genie and the lawyer look at each other and shrugs their shoulders, nodding.

Passerby (Ambulchaser)
Wait a minute. Excuse me sir, but I couldn't help
noticing that you are about to enter into an
agreement without proper representation.
(beat) Allow me to introduce myself;
Chris Ambulchaser, attorney at law...

Ambulchaser hands the man a business card.Genie
What does HE need a lawyer for?

Man
Yeah, what do I need a lawyer for?

Ambulchaser
Well, for starters you need to be adequately informed
and protected as to possible risks, liabilities,
and eventualities to his person as a
consequence of being granted your wish.

Man
Huh?

Ambulchaser
(turns to Genie and Genie's Lawyer)
For example, will he be protected, from all terrorists,
nationalists, aspiring despot rulers, and all
assortment of violent revolutionaries who have
suddenly been deprived of their normal means of
conduct as a result of my client's wish being granted...?

Genie
(rolling eyes)
Could we go back to that wish on hideous deaths...?

FADE TO BLURRY. SCREEN TEXT READS: 4 HOURS LATER...FADE IN.

Same scene. The man and Ambulchaser are sitting at one end of a table that has appeared, with the genie and his lawyer at the other end. On the table are piles of loose papers. Next to the table on the ground is a wire waste paper basket full of crumpled up papers. All four look tired, rumpled, exhausted.

The Ambulchaser is leafing through a legal document with hundred's of pages. Closes it and hands it to the Man.

Ambulchaser
Okay, I think it's acceptable now.
(to Man) Sign here... and here...and initial here...

Man signs then places the document on the table in front of the Genie. The Genie's Lawyer grabs a finger of the Man, and quickly pricks him using a pinprick.

Man
OUCH!

Genie's Man slaps the finger down on the document, and forms a X in blood. He releases Man's finger, then give's a nod of approval to the Genie. Genie picks up document.

Genie
Okay, first wish...One large pepperoni pizza
with anchovies and extra cheese...

Genie snaps his fingers. Pizza Delivery Man instantly appears, and hands over pizza box.

Genie
...4 large colas...and an order of bread sticks.

Pizza box is set on table, is opened and everyone digs in. Genie receives colas and hands them around. FADE OUT.

END

DIRECTOR'S NOTES: The entire scene with the bum could be left out to shorten length, and replaced with the man entering scene and noticing the lamp on the ground. He get's an initial puff of smoke when he rubs it, which motivates him to rub it hard between his legs (to be noticed by the woman passerby). The women making comment about smoking in the state can also be cut, or used, as desired.

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