A Sketch by Kris Kenison
Cast: Gary, Voice of God, other shoppers
Props/set: department store set, pants, spoltlight for the pants.
(Open with establishing shots of the store. We eventually focus on Gary who is looking through various pairs of pants and humming.)
Gary: Man, this place sucks. These pants sucks. My job sucks. Why God, why?
(A spotlight shines down on Gary.)
Gary: Man, this place's lighting s...
GOD: (Disembodied voice) Quiet Gary. I have heard your pleas and I have decided to answer your prayers.
Gary: Mom?
GOD: No, this is God. Your mother sounds nothing like the resonating echo of the voice of GOD.
Gary: That's a good point. But I thought God's voice was supposed to make my brain and heart explode?
GOD: I have a cold! For the love of Me!
Gary: How do I know you're not some security guard or something?
GOD: Good Me, how dare you question the Almighty?
Gary: No, I'm just saying, for all I know you're some lardbutt guard sitting around eating potato chips and laughing at the loser in the menswear department.
GOD: Ok, I'll admit that's a good point. Let's see what can I do. No bushes to set on fire. No water to split. I hate shopping malls! Fine, how about if you pick a number between one and ten. If I guess it, then I must be God, right?
Gary: That makes sense. Ok, I got my number.
GOD: (saying it so soon that he almost cuts Gary off.) 19.
Gary: Ok, you're God. So what's this junk about answering my prayers? Ooooh, do I FINALLY get to star with in Estelle Getty in Stop or My Mom WIll Shoot Again?
(God does a spit take. Pull this off with sound effect and some actual water spraying setup.)
GOD: Oh good lord, I forgot that you're the one. Christ, oh heck I'm already taking the time, may as well finish this. I'm here to make sure you don't pass up the pair of pants that will be the most perfect pair of pants for anyone ever.
Gary: Crazy cool, where are these pants?
(Spotlight shines on a specific pair of pants on a rack close to Gary.)
GOD: These are those pants.
Gary: Those?
GOD: You question the almighty?
Gary: Well, I mean those pants aren't exactly my style.
GOD: Your lord and creator has told you that these pants will look better than any other pair of pants in
all of history.
Gary: Yeah, ok, so you say. But I've owned pants like that before. They're just uncomfortable. They make me look like a dork.
GOD: Listen, Gary, these pants will be the best fitting pants you or anyone else shall ever wear. They will last you the rest of your life.
Gary: But...
GOD: Me damn it! They will never stain, they will never tear, they will never fade. They will only need to be genuinely washed once. And in ten years, in an incident involving yourself, two pigeons, your wedding ring, and $23 in 5's and 1's, these pants will actually save your life.
Gary: But those look like pants my grandpa would wear.
GOD: FOR THE LOVE OF ME! They're retro. Nostalchic! Read a fashion magazine!
Gary: Okay, but they're kind of pricey for dork pants.
GOD: Dork pant? Dork pants? What if I told you that I own that exact pair of pants.
Gary: I'd say that God owns dork pants.
GOD: Oh, I'm so closing to giving you such a smiting. Listen, what if I give you a coupon?
Gary: How about I steal them?
GOD: You would defy my commandments in front of me?
Gary: You could go bother that woman over in cosmetics.
GOD: Oh my Me. I can't beli... But... Fine. Just steal it. (mumbling as his voice slowly fades) Geez, I can't believe you. Humans, why couldn't I have made cats the dominant species? They just sit around and eat and sleep. Heck, I was on a roll with the dino....
(FADE TO BLACK WITH THE SOUND OF A STORE SECURITY ALARM GOING OFF)
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