Sophocles Screenwriting Software
www.sophocles.net
"Happy Bill Show"
by
Jim Nordgaard
jimn@jriver.com
See director's note at the end.
INT. CHILDREN'S SHOW SET
HAPPY BILL sits in an easy chair, as show title flashes on
screen. There is a small table to the left of the chair with
a glass of water.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
(exhuberantly)
That's right kids. It's time for
the Happy Bill Show, with your
host, Happy Bill! Sponsored by your
good friends, the makers of Prozac!
And now, here's Happy Bill!
Happy Bill looks sullen, depressed. He speaks with a deadpan
voice, with a slight edge of sarcasm.
HAPPY BILL
Hi kids.
(pause)
I'm Happy Bill.
(pause)
Are you ready for another exciting
show? 'Cause that's what we've got;
another exciting show.
(pause)
I'm all excited.
(raises arms up slightly)
Yea.
(beat)
Today we go to the zoo. To see zoo
animals. That will fun, won't it?
I'm so excited I could pee in my
pants.
(pause)
And in our Super Science Segment,
we get to visit with Dr. Peters.
(pause)
Dr. Peters is a real doctor. He is.
Really. But first, boys and girls,
let's go see Puppet Peppy. We like
to visit Puppet Peppy, don't we?
That's because Puppet Peppy cheers
us up. And we all want to get
cheered up, don't we?
Camera pans to the left to reveal a puppet stage a few feet
from Bill's chair. Bill turns he head to look at the stage,
but makes no move to get up. A few seconds pass. Bill turns
his head his head back to the camera, and camera pans back
to center on Bill.
2.
HAPPY BILL
Tell you what kids. Let's not visit
Puppet Peppy today. Peppy is just
too far away, and besides, we all
know that Puppet Peppy is just
Happy Bill's hand stuck in some
smelly old sock, and his voice is
just me trying to make some god
awful squeaking noices that's bad
enough to curl wallpaper.
(pause)
Instead, let's just go visit the zoo.
CUT TO:
Shots of various animals in cages, all the animals are
sleeping or resting motionless. Bill identifies the animals
as they appear in the shots.
HAPPY BILL(VO)
These are polar bears.
(pause)
These are racoons. They's also
sleeping.
(pause)
Here a tortoise in his shell. He's
also asleep...or dead.
(pause)
Here's some lions lying down. Did
you know that cats spend the almost
the whole day doing nothing but
laying around? Nobody criticizes
them.
(pause)
Here's a snake...hidden somewhere
in his cage... That reminds me; I
forgot to call my lawyer last week.
(pause)
Here's some fish swimming in their
tank. They swim back, and forth.
Back, and forth. And back, and
forth. That's all they do.
Mindlessly doing the same thing
over and over and over again.
(pause)
Here's some monkeys, napping right
after their meal.
CUT TO:
Back to Happy Bill.
3.
HAPPY BILL
Wasn't that fun boys and girls?
What did we learn at our visit to
the zoo?
(pause)
That's right...animals in the zoo
do nothing but eat and sleep.
That's all they do. What else can
they do? They're all locked up.
They spend day after day looking at
the same four walls of their room--
cage--following the same routine
day after mind numbing day, until
they finally get to the point where
they say to themselves; 'Why should
I bother? What's the point? Why
should I even make an effort when I
know I'm going get shot down and
criticised for being half-hearted
and lazy, and a no good bum who
lays around all day feeling sorry
for himself and why can't you get a
decent job--one that pays some
money--instead of doing that stupid
cable access kids' show that nobody
watches anyway...'
A BEEPING is heard. Bill pushes a button on his watch and
the beeping stops. Bill pulls out a pill bottle out of his
pocket and takes out a pill, and swallows it with the glass
of water. He pauses, and takes out several more pills and
swallows them.
HAPPY BILL
Well, boys and girls, our next
segment will be even most exciting
then our last one. Can you imagine?
Something's that's even MORE
exciting the what we've just been
through? I know it's hard to imagine.
Bill's head suddenly jolts back, as if the pills just kicked
in. He puts on a fake, permanent smile.
HAPPY BILL
(manic, overly exhuberent)
Kids, do you ever feel down
sometimes? Yes, we all feel that
way occasionally, don't we?
(MORE)
4.
HAPPY BILL (CONT'D)
Like when the teacher gives you a
low grade on your math test, or
when your parents yell at you for
playing baseball in the house, or
when you can't seem to make any
friends, or when the IRS audits you
for making too many medical
deductions.
(beat)
So what do we do when we feel this
way? That's right kids, we certainly
don't go to all the trouble of
analysing our feelings and
resentments and coming to terms
with our own failures; that our
arrogant overpaid shrinks tells us
to do. No, not when there's a pill
you can take that makes you feel
all better.
(holds up pill bottle)
That's right boys and girls. We
take pills to make us feel good.
But we don't take just any pills
though do we? No. We only take
pills Mommy or Daddy gives us, and
only pills they get from certified
doctors. That's right, only GOOD
doctors, doctors that don't cut us
off after 6 months.
(beat)
Did you ever wonder how science
makes these pills that can make you
feel so good? Well Dr. Peters is
here to tell us all about it. And
here is Dr. Peters now...
CUT TO:
Tight shot of DR PETERS in a white smock and stethoscope.
He's in front of a high table with beakers and lab equipment.
DR PETERS
That's right, Happy Bill.
HAPPY BILL(VO)
And you are a REAL doctor, aren't
you Dr. Peters?
DR PETERS
That's right. I got reinstated just
last week.
5.
Wider shot, revealing Dr. Peters standing behind the table.
Immediately to the left is Happy Bill, still sitting in his
chair, and looking up at Dr. Peters.
HAPPY BILL
Can you tell the girls and boys at
home how we make those pills that
make us feel happy?
DR PETERS
Certainly, Bill. Inside the heads
of each one of us is something
called the brain; B-R-A-I-N.
Holds up a poster with a simple diagram of a head and brain,
with and arrow pointing to a spot on the brain.
DR PETERS
There is a particular spot on the
brain that makes up feel good. In
our pills we put in a magic
ingredient called Selective
Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors,
which inhibit the enzyme monamine
oxidase that breaks down monomine
neurotransmitters, enabling
acetylcholine uptake by the synaptic
cleft to produce a cascade of
synaptic activity that results in a
condition we call Serotonin Euphoric
Response.
HAPPY BILL
Thank you Doctor. Kids, can you say
Serotonin Euphoric Response?
(pause)
I knew you could. Now it's time for
Talking Toons. So let's watch
today's Talking Toons...
Both men smile at the camera and wait for the cutaway.
HAPPY BILL
By the way, you shorted me in last
week's supply.
DR PETERS
I did not.
HAPPY BILL
Yes you did, I ran out three days
early.
6.
DR PETERS
Don't blame me if you down them
like M&Ms.
CUT TO:
Animation.
Badly drawn stick figures of a boy and a girl next to a hill.
Hand drawn labels saying "Jack" and "Jill" point to the
figures. The picture changes only two or three times during
the cartoon, deplicting an arm raised or the like. The
voices are Happy Bill in falsetto voices.
HAPPY BILL-VOICE 1
Hi Jack. Let's go up the hill to
fetch a pail of water.
HAPPY BILL-VOICE 2
Naw, that's too much work.
HAPPY BILL-VOICE 1
But how will can get the water we
need?
HAPPY BILL-VOICE 2
By just turning on the tap.
A faucet suddenly appears next to Jacks hand, and water
starts flowing out of the faucet. "THE END" appears.
CUT TO:
Set with just Bill in his chair. Bill, smiling, now looks
and talks mellow, but zombie like. His head is slightly
tilted to the side and back.
HAPPY BILL
Wasn't that a nice cartoon. I hope
you had a good time today on the
Happy Bill show. I sure did. I hope
to see you next time. We'll do some
fun things next time, yes, I'm sure
of it. I don't remember what they
are right now, but who cares?
'Cause I'm Happy....I'm Happy...
something...
(starts humming
during announcer's V.O.)
ANNOUNCER(VO)
This has been the Happy Bill show,
by Prozac.
7.
HAPPY BILL
(singing, eyes glazed)
"Don't worry, be happy" song.
END
Directors notes:
Reaction shots can be added after production of either; a
couple of children at home watching the Happy Bill Show on
TV, or two children in an otherwise empty studio audience
set full of otherwise empty seats. The kids in either case
can do cut away reaction shots at key moments, like when
Bill describes his hand in the puppet sock, during Dr.
Peters explanation, and perhaps when Bill saying the tortoise
might be dead (reactions being shock, confusion, and frowns,
respectively).
The establishing shot for the kids watching on TV would be
easy; just showing the kids watching while the opening shot
of the show is played on the TV before cutting to just the
show. Establishing the studio audience might be more tricky,
and might require an added line by the announcer, or Bill at
the beginning. Like Bill saying:
HAPPY BILL
Thanks for watching kids. Let's
join all the kids in our studio
audience...
Brief cutaway to the two kids.
HAPPY BILL
..and watch another exiting Happy
Bill show...
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