Jesus Christ Frat Guy

JESUS CHRIST, FRAT GUY (short version)

Setting: college frat house

Characters:

JESUS (wearing robes)

GARY

DICK

NEW KID

BETSY

[Enter GARY, DICK, BETSY, laughing loudly]

GARY

Oh man, thanks for bringing your roommates along. I didn't think anyone'd be losin' their clothes this early into the party, but damn!

DICK

Yeah, they were seriously hot. They were just shakin' it all over the place. That was awesome.

BETSY

Hey, no problem, guys. Glad we could liven up the party. I think the new kid liked it, too.

[Enter NEW KID, JESUS]

NEW KID

[Stunned] She was rubbing her boobs all over my face. Her boobs on my face. Whoa.

[JESUS giggles]

JESUS

Yeah, the Lord works in strange ways, all right. I've walked on water and given blind men sight, but that's the first time I ever wandered around a gathering and healed so many people with syphilis.

DICK

[Claps JESUS on the back] Hey, Jesus, nice work, man! Guess we didn't have to worry about running short with eight kegs after all, huh?

GARY

Man, I dunno how you turned all the water in the house into beer, but that was really cool. Guys trying to puke and drink out of the toilet at the same time was pretty nasty, but it was still really cool.

BETSY

[Rubbing up against JESUS] Yeah, where'd you find this guy? Can I keep him?

JESUS

You know, I'm supposed to fight temptation, but why not give it a shot just this once?

[JESUS dry-heaves; DICK starts laughing]

GARY

Whoa, man! You were hitting the tap pretty hard. Maybe you better sit down and eat something before you spew all over the make-out couch.

JESUS

I'm fine! I'll just place my hands on my stomach and heal myself. See? I'm fi-

[JESUS vomits]

DICK

Woo-hoo! Welcome to Barf Central, can I hold your hair, please?

NEW KID

Oh, man. God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean... man, I'm sorry. I shoulda just let you keep researching yourself in the library archives.

JESUS

[Straightens up] I forgive you, kid. You knew not what you were doing.

[JESUS vomits]

DICK

Yeah! We did a number on him, all right! Mark up another victim on the frat scoreboard!

BETSY

Oh, that's disgusting. You know, maybe I better leave him here tonight. I'll just go hook up with some other guy.

[BETSY and GARY start to leave]

GARY

Or maybe you could rip off your shirt and start shakin' it like your friends. That'd be sweet.

JESUS

[Reaching out] Wait! I want to befoul myself! I don't want to be a virgin for the rest of my life! Father, why hast thou forsaken me?! You suck!

[JESUS flicks off the sky and collapses]

DICK

Score! Man, this party rocks!

NEW KID

[Moaning] Jesus Christ....

[NEW KID runs over and kneels next to JESUS]

Guys, we should probably do something to help him out.

GARY

Maybe next time. Right now, there's a party going on and I ain't gonna miss it for anyone, especially not a religion major from overseas.

BETSY

You mean he's not a frat guy? He's a Bible-thumping exchange student? And I was going to bring him back to my place?! Thank God he passed out.

DICK

[Laughing] Yeah, maybe he blows chunks out one end and rains fire out the other!

[GARY, DICK, BETSY start to leave]

NEW KID

Wait a sec. Guys, I don't think he's breathing.

GARY

Oh, let him sleep it off. He should be fine in a couple days. I'm heading back down to the party.

[Exit GARY]

DICK

Yeah, time to see if those chicks are still giving boob facial massages.

[DICK, BETSY start to leave]

BETSY

Does the fraternity normally leave dead people lying around the house?

DICK

It's not the first time; it probably won't be the last. Let's go.

[Exit DICK, BETSY; NEW KID gapes at them]

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