Just Kuwait

A Musical

By Timothy Meinke

Based on a concept by

Geoffrey Hofman-Frethem

Cast

Saddam Hussein…………………………..Iraqi Dictator

Professor Henry Higgins………………….Phonetician

3-4 Harem Girls…………………………..

Black screen. The words "Aficionados of musical theatre will appreciate this one" fade in. Pause. The words "Then again, maybe not" fade in. Fade to Saddam Hussein's office. Saddam is sitting at his desk playing with G.I. Joe and other military toys. Ad-libs "Die you infidel pigs!" "Take that, George Bush!" etc. The words "Baghdad, 1990" appear at the bottom of the screen. Office intercom buzzes. Saddam presses button.

Saddam

Yes?

Intercom

(Female) Professor Henry Higgins to see you, Mister Hussein.

Saddam

Ah My old friend, Henry Send him in! Send him in

Henry Higgins enters carrying a rolled-up newspaper under his arm. Saddam rises to greet him.

Saddam

Ah! Henry Higgins! My favorite expert dialectician and grammarian!

Higgins

Saddam! (Shakes Saddam's hand and kisses his armpits.) It's good to see you again!

Saddam

It is good to see you! Sit down! Sit down!

They sit and hold hands.

Higgins

So, how are the boys?

Saddam

Oi Vey! (Realizes his slip.) Whatever that means. The boys have grown up so fast! Qusai just ordered his first execution; I think that boy's got great potential! Oudai… eh… he's going through a crazy time in his life. (Circles finger at his temple.) One can only hope he grows out of it.

Higgins

Well, he's still young. I'm sure he will.

Saddam

So tell me my friend, what brings you to Baghdad?

Higgins

(Unrolling newspaper.) It's all this news about you invading Kuwait.

Saddam

So? What about it?

Higgins

Well, why did you do it?

Saddam

I'm the Iraqi dictator! I invaded Kuwait because I wanted to invade Kuwait!

Higgins

Aren't you bothered about how the world is thinking of you, right now?

Saddam

Why should I care what the world thinks of me? I am the dictator of Iraq! I thumb my nose at the world! (Thumbs his nose and makes a raspberry.)

Higgins

Is that what this is all about? You want to take over the world?

Saddam

No, not the whole world…

Piano rolls with a flourish, then starts playing "Just You Wait, Henry Higgins." Three or four harem girls enter. Higgins and Saddam rise and begin choreography.

Saddam

(Sings.) Just Kuwait, Henry Higgins. Just Kuwait!

Higgins

(Sings.) You'll be sorry, but your tears will be too late!

Saddam

(Sings.) I'll have power and I'll have money!

Higgins

(Sings.) Will I help you? Don't be funny!

Together

(Sing.) Just Kuwait!

Saddam

(Spoken.) Henry Higgins.