Marvin………………………………...................Senior movie theatre usher

Myron………………………………....................Rookie movie theatre usher

Marvel-Ann………………………………...........Marvin’s cousin

Mary-Ann………………………………..............Marvel-Ann’s mother

HOOTERS RESTAURANT. MARVIN AND MYRON ARE IN THEIR SIGNATURE COSTUMES AND HAVING LUNCH. MARVIN HAS A KETCHUP BOTTLE IN HIS HAND.

MARVIN

So, Adam Sandler goes to Hooters and he sees Kristy Swanson in a Hooters uniform! He says, "Vanessa! You’re a Hooters girl! What about Sid?" They look toward the kitchen and there’s the guy that Kristy Swanson dumped Adam Sandler for as the cook! So, the moral of "Big Daddy" is if you’re kind to children, every girl who’s broken your heart after you’ve kissed her will become a Hooters girl.

MYRON

Speaking of that, isn’t that your cousin over there?

MARVIN TURNS AROUND. CUT TO MARVEL-ANN. SHE IS WEARING A BLACK HOOTERS UNIFORM WITH A RED BOWTIE, RED CUMMERBUND AND RED SLOUCH SOCKS. SHE SEES THEM LOOKING AT HER, SMILES AND WAVES.

SLOW-MOTION SEQUENCE: MARVIN DROPS THE KETCHUP BOTTLE. CUE SOUND OF BOMB WHISTLING FROM THE SKY. CUT TO MARVEL-ANN DRAMATICALLY TURNING HER HEAD TOWARDS THE CAMERA WITH HAIR FLYING. CUT TO KETCHUP BOTTLE FALLING. CUT TO MYRON WATCHING IT FALL IN HORROR.

MYRON

(SLOWED AUDIO.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

CONTINUE SLOW MOTION. CUT TO KETCHUP BOTTLE SMASHING ON THE FLOOR TO SOUND OF AN EXPLODING BOMB. CUT TO MYRON GETTING SPLASHED WITH KETCHUP AND FALLING BACKWARDS. CUT TO MARVEL-ANN GASPING AND CLAPPING HER HANDS TO HER FACE.

NORMAL SPEED. CUE SOUNDS OF BATTLE. MYRON LIES ON THE TABLE SPOUTING BLOOD FROM A SEVERED ARM. MARVIN AND MARVEL-ANN STAND NEXT TO THE TABLE. MYRON IS DRESSED AS AN ARMY SOLDIER. MARVIN IS DRESSED AS A SURGEON AND MARVEL-ANN IS IN A WHITE NURSE’S UNIFORM. THEY BOTH STILL HAVE ON RED BOWTIES.

MARVIN

Well, nurse. The battle’s all around us, we got a wounded soldier here and no medical supplies. (PANICS.) WHAT ARE WE GONNA’ DO??!!

MARVEL-ANN

(SLAPS HIM.) Pull yourself together, doctor! Just tell me what you need and I’ll improvise.

MARVIN

Okay. Uh… the first thing we need is- um… is a- uh…

MARVEL-ANN

A tourniquet?

MARVIN

A tourniquet! Yeah!

CUE SULTRY TRUMPET MUSIC. MARVEL-ANN REMOVES A SHOE AND PUTS HER FOOT ON A STOOL. SHE SLOWLY AND SEDUCTIVELY REMOVES A STOCKING. MARVIN TRIES TO LOOK NONCHALANTLY IN ANOTHER DIRECTION. MYRON SITS UP AND DOES A WOLF-WHISTLE. MARVIN SHOVES HIM BACK ON THE TABLE. MARVEL-ANN HANDS MARVIN THE STOCKING.

MARVEL-ANN

Here you go, doctor.

MARVIN

Thanks nurse! (TIES STOCKING AROUND MYRON’S STUMP. PICKS UP A MANNEQUIN ARM.) Okay! Now, we need… um… (MIMES SEWING.)

MARVEL-ANN

Needle and thread?

MARVIN

Yeah! Needle and thread!

MARVEL-ANN

(GETTING DENTAL FLOSS OUT OF HER PURSE.) Mom always told me to floss after every meal.

SHE REMOVES A BOBBY PIN FROM HER NURSE’S CAP, THREADS THE DENTAL FLOSS THROUGH IT AND HANDS THEM TO MARVIN.

MARVIN

Thanks! (MAKES SEWING MOTIONS.) Okay, now we need some bandages.

MARVEL-ANN

I got some extra socks right in here. (REACHES INTO HER BRA AND PULLS OUT SOCKS. MUTTERS.) There go my tips for today.

MARVIN

(SHOCKED.) What did you say?

MARVEL-ANN

(HANDS HIM THE SOCKS.) I said, "there go my TIPS for today."

MARVIN

Oh. (APPLIES BANDADGES.) Okay, that should do it. (STEPS BACK AND PEERS EXPECTANTLY.) I think it’s gonna’ work. I think it’s gonna’ work! IT’S WORKING!! (HUGS MARVEL-ANN.) Marvel-Ann, you did it! You saved this soldier’s life! Marvel-Ann, you’re absolutely marvelous! (HUGS HER TIGHTER.) Marvel-Ann! Marvel-Ann!

BLUR TO CLOSE-UP OF MARVEL-ANN WITH A FARAWAY LOOK ON HER FACE.

MARVIN

(OFF-SCREEN. EMPHATICALLY.) Marvel-Ann? Marvel-Ann!

MARVEL-ANN IS STARTLED OUT OF HER REVERIE.

MARVEL-ANN

Oh! Hi, Marvin!

CUT TO THE THREE OF THEM AT THE TABLE IN THEIR SIGNATURE COSTUMES. MARVEL-ANN IS WIPING KETCHUP OFF MYRON WITH PAPER TOWELS. MYRON IS OBVIOUSLY ENJOYING THE ATTENTION.

MARVIN

Marvel-Ann! You’re a Hooters girl?

MARVEL-ANN

Yep! I sure am!

MARVIN WHIPS HIS TUXEDO JACKET OFF AND WRAPS IT AROUND HER.

MARVEL-ANN

Marvin! What are you doing?

MARVIN

Does your mother know you work here?

MARVEL-ANN

Of course she does!

MARVIN

Really? I can’t believe your mother would approve of you as a Hooters girl.

MARVEL-ANN

Well, why don’t you ask her yourself? She’s right over there.

MARVEL-ANN POINTS. MARVIN TURNS TO LOOK. CUT TO MARY-ANN BY THE KITCHEN. SHE IS ALSO IN A BLACK HOOTERS UNIFORM WITH THE RED ACCESSORIES. SHE SEES THEM LOOKING, SMILES AND WAVES.

MARVIN

(CLOSE-UP. STUNNED.) Aunt Mary-Ann?

The End