HARDWARE STORY
Deane Morrison
INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY
An ANGRY MAN stomps in. He wears an island shirt and lei and carries something that can't be seen. A CLERK waits behind a counter.
CLERK
May I help you, sir?
MAN
I'll say you can. Yesterday you sold me this worthless piece of junk.
CLERK
Very well. What was the problem?
MAN
It didn't work, that was the problem. And there wasn't even an owner's manual.
The clerk takes a look at the item.
CLERK
That is a shovel, sir.
MAN
I know that.
CLERK
There are no owner's manuals for shovels.
MAN
Oh, yeah? And why not?
CLERK
Simply because most people ... Tell you what, let's have a look.
The man plunks a mangled shovel down on the counter.
CLERK
It appears to have sustained some damage. What were you doing with it?
MAN
What was I doing? I was doing what you're supposed to do with a shovel. Trying to dig a hole.
CLERK
A hole for what?
MAN
A barbecue pit. You know, six feet deep, like the ones in Hawaii.
CLERK
I see. You've been to a barbecue in Hawaii.
MAN
Oh, no. I saw it on TV. Now I want my money--
CLERK
May I ask where you were going to dig this pit?
MAN
By my garage.
CLERK
By your ... Tell me, sir, is the ground where you attempted to dig rather firm and uniformly smooth?
MAN
Yeah, you can say that.
CLERK
That was your driveway, sir.
MAN
Driveway?
CLERK
Yes. A driveway is a track made of concrete, an amalgamation of crushed rock and a cementing agent, used to provide a uniform surface for the passage of motorized vehicles. Applying a shovel to it is not generally recommended.
MAN
But how am I going to have a barbecue if I can't dig a pit?
CLERK
No need for a pit. A simple grill suffices.
MAN
Yeah? Can I roast a pig on one?
CLERK
Yes, sir. In aisle seven you'll find a wheel-mounted gas grill. Cooks pigs, chickens, cattle and fish evenly with liquid propane gas. You'll find matches there, too.
MAN
Hey, now we’re cooking with gas. Get it? Cooking--
CLERK
We'll even throw in some lighter fluid. On the house.
MAN
Great. Wow. I’m going to host a luau.
(singing)
Aloha ‘oe º
The man hulas as he leaves.
CLERK
(looking after him)
If only Darwin had been right.
A SECOND MAN arrives and puts down a small package.
SECOND MAN
Hello. These nails I bought have all got big twisty grooves in them.
The clerk covers his face.
THE END
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