That Sinking Feeling

A Slow Andy Sketch

by Timothy Meinke

Cast

Slow Andy................................................................Shipwright

Tyler..........................................................................First Launch Officiator

Lucy

Tanya.........................................................................Twin Launch Officiators

Eddy...........................................................................Transvestite Launch Officiator

Dim Tim.....................................................................Andy's Friend

Shipyard. Andy and Tyler stand on the launching platform next to the bow of a ship. The name "Ty Tonic" is painted on the side of the ship. Andy and Tyler are dressed in formal attire and she is holding a champagne bottle.

Tyler

I christen you, "Ty Tonic!"

Tyler attempts to smash bottle against the bow. It doesn't break. The ship slides down the launching ways. Cut to old movie footage of ship sinking. Cut to launching platform. Tyler is shocked. Andy is puzzled.

Cut to Andy painting the name "Lucy Tanya" on the bow of a ship. Cut to launch day. Andy and the twins, Lucy and Tanya, stand on the launching platform all dressed formally. Each twin holds a champagne bottle.

Lucy & Tanya

We christen you...

Lucy

Lucy!

Tanya

Tanya!

Lucy attempts to smash her bottle against the bow. It doesn't break. Tanya attempts to smash hers against the bow and it doesn't break either. The ship slides down the launching ways. Cut to same movie footage of ship sinking. Cut to launching platform. The twins are shocked and Andy is puzzled.

Cut to Andy painting the name "Eddy Fitz" on the bow of a ship. Cut to launch day. Andy and Eddy, in drag, stand on the launching platform. Eddy holds a champagne bottle.

Eddy

I christen you, "Eddy Fitz!"

Eddy attempts to smash champagne bottle against the bow. It doesn't break. Ship slides down the launching ways. Cut to same movie footage of ship sinking. Cut to launching platform. Eddy turns to Andy and shrugs. Andy scratches his head.

Cut to Dim Tim and Andy sitting at a kitchen table. Andy is poring over blueprints. Tim is thumbing through a coffee table book called "Lost Liners."

Tim

Andy, listen to this. "Titanic;" April of 1912. "Lusitania; May of 1915. "Edmund Fitzgerald;" November of 1975. (Sets book down and looks up at Andy.) There's your problem.

Andy

Where?

Tim

You're naming your ships after famous shipwrecks. That's why they keep sinking.

Andy

Oh. Well, what should I name my next ship?

Tim

I don't know. How about after yourself?

Andy

Yeah! I bet if I name her the "Andy," everything will be hunky-dory!

Cut to Andy painting the name "Andy Dory" on the bow of a ship. Cut to launch day. Tim stands on the launching platform holding a champagne bottle. Andy is on the bow.

Tim

I christen you, "Andy Dory!"

Tim successfully smashes his champagne bottle against the bow. Cheers are heard. The ship slides down the launching ways. Cut to same movie footage of ship sinking into water. Cut to Andy standing on the bow playing "Taps" on the bugle as he slowly sinks down off screen. Cut to Tim thumbing through "Lost Liners."

Tim

Andria Doria; July of 1956. (Looks up at camera.) Oops

The End

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