Written by W. Jason Schaal
[This may be set inside or out. Inside would explain the electrically powered trash can. Outside may just be funnier. This script may be used as a running joke between other sketches or it may run all together. A lot of this can be improved. I have tried to write the script so that the trash can does not have to move and can be done entirely with voice-overs. If you can figure out a trash can costume, the sketch can be made that much funnier. Note also that the trash can does not need to “move its lips”. The voice emanates from a speaker in the trash can regardless of what the flapper lid is doing.]
[Scene One: A fast-food restaurant. Two women are having lunch in a fast-food restaurant. We hear but cannot quite make out their conversation. In the back ground is one of those new-fangled, talking trash cans ala Taco Bell and McDonald’s. Someone approaches the trash can and dumps in a tray of trash.]
[mechanical voice] Thank you!
[A second customer approaches the trash can and tries to dump their tray but the trash can won’t open.]
[mechanical voice] Please wait while the trash compactor is cycling.
[Trash compactor cycling noise. Our customer is a bit irritated but politely waits.]
[mechanical voice] Ready.
[Customer dumps tray.]
[mechanical voice] Thank you!
Customer:[sarcastically] You’re welcome. [Customer leaves.]
[Quietly, the customer does not hear this. Non-mechanical voice.] Jerk.
woman:Did you hear that?
woman:What?
woman:That trash can said something.
woman:I know. Aren’t they annoying. They’re everywhere. Thank God for high-tech, right?
woman:[Thinking it was the customer she heard and not the trash can, laughs] Right!
[The women resume their lunch. Third person approaches the trash can and tries a couple times to dump their tray but cannot open the trash can.]
[Non-mechanical voice.] Give me a minute.
Customer:What?
[Trash Can does not respond. Customer tentatively opens the trash can, looks inside, then dumps tray.]
[mechanical voice] Thank you!
Customer:Whatever. [Turns to leave.]
[non-mechanical voice] Up yours.
[Customer stops, turns back to the trash can, scratches head, shakes head, then leaves.]
woman:Did you see that?
woman:What?
woman:It [choosing her words] “looked” like that person was talking to the trash can.
woman:Probably. It takes all kinds. Now you know why I don’t date.
woman:[Laughs] Right. [Gives a look to the trash can.]
[In background. Mechanical voice.] Please wait while the trash compactor is cycling [Pause] Please wait while the trash compactor is cycling [Pause] Please wait while the— [Pause] Ready.
woman:You’re right, those things are annoying. [Grabs her purse and reaches to pick up her tray.]
woman:[Looks over her shoulder at the trash can. Turns back and looks down to dig lipstick out of her purse.]
[Non-mechanical voice.] Hey you.
woman:[Looking up from her tray] What?
woman:What?
woman:[Concerned that her friend would be so rude.] I thought you said something.
woman:[Cheerfully, while putting on fresh lipstick.] Nope.
woman:[Is confused but picks up her tray and carries it over to the trash can. Attempts to dump it in.]
[semi-mechanical voice (director’s choice)] Just a minute.
woman:[Confused] What?
[Non-mechanical voice] I said, “Just a minute”
woman:You were talking to that person!
[Non-MV] Of course.
woman:What? What!…
Come on! You’ve never encountered met a talking trash can before?
woman:I um…no.
woman:Who are you talking to?
woman:This trash can.
woman:[Dumping her tray into the trash can] Yeah, right.
[Mechanical voice] Thank you!
woman:[sarcastically] Golly, it does talk.
[sarcastically, non-mechanical voice] Yes I do!
woman:[confused] what?
woman:I didn’t say that. The trash can did.
woman:Yeah, right. [walks away]
woman:What are you doing?
[coy] What?
woman:Why are you so rude?
I’m not rude, I’m just sayin’ what’s on my mind.
woman:[Looking around the sides of the trash can] Is there someone in there?
Hey! Hey! Do you see me lifting your skirt?
woman:What?!
I said, [sarcastically] “A little privacy please!”
woman:You’re a trash can!
And you’re a trash mouth!
woman:I…[stunned]
That’s right sister!
woman:[To herself] What am I doing?
Talking to yourself, apparently.
woman:[Still stunned, to herself] Apparently.
So, what up, dog?
woman:Huh?
You gonna dump the tray or what?
woman:Oh! [Feeling guilty now] Are you sure?
[sarcastically] Ma’am, I eat this garbage all day. What do you think?
woman:[Still a bit stunned] OK. [She tentatively dumps the tray into the trash can.]
[mechanical voice] Thank you!
woman:[Turns to leave]
[non-mechanical voice] Bitch.
woman:[Turns back to the trash can. Opens her mouth to speak. Points a finger at the trash can. Shakes her head. Turns and leaves.]
TC:[belch]
The end.
[Scene Two: A fast-food restaurant. One man is having lunch alone in a fast-food restaurant. He is nearly finished. He is reading a book, magazine, or newspaper spread on the table before him. In the back ground is our friend, the talking trash can. Someone approaches the trash can and dumps in a tray of trash.]
[mechanical voice] Thank you! [Pause] Please wait while the compactor is cycling. [Cycling sounds. Pause] Please service the trash receptacle; the trash receptacle is full. [Pause] Please service…
[TC repeats this line as the man, now annoyed, looks up from his newspaper and glares at the TC.]
…the trash receptacle; the trash receptacle is full. [Pause] A little help here. [Pause] Please service…
[The man looks up again, not quite sure he heard that. He looks around for an employee. Annoyed that no one is around.]
[Calls out to no one in particular] Hey! This trash can is getting annoying. A little help here!
Copycat.
Man:What?
Two words, OK? Obstructed bowel.
What the f—?
[Sarcastically] Yeah. Thanks for the help.
You got a problem?
[Insistent] I could use a little help here!
Yeah. I called for help. Looks like your buddies are not around.
You got legs.
Man:What?
Go find someone.
Screw that.
Look, if I don’t get help soon you’re gonna find about 40 pounds of garbage thrown up on your lunch.
[Shaking his head in disbelief] OK, garbage cans don’t talk…and they don’t throw up.
[retching sounds]
Shit. [throws down his sandwich and goes to find someone]
Asshole.
[returning with employee] …before it pukes on my lunch.
Employee:Yes, sir. Sorry about that. [Opens trash can and quickly removes the bag; another bag is already in place beneath the full one.]
[Glares at employee as the employee is leaving]
[Loud sigh of relief]
[turns quickly back and squints at the trash can]
The End.
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