Sam and Ed, The Trilobite Fossils
Characters - Sam and Ed, two trilobite fossils.
EXT. SANDSTONE - DAY
Scene: Two trilobite fossils trapped in sandstone together for 10 million years. Ed and Sam. Sam is lower near Ed's backside.
VO or PRINT ON SCREEN
Somewhere in a layer of sandstone two trilobite fossils start their day.
Scene opens, Ed is talking, Sam is totally annoyed.
ED
So I’d say to her, 'forget you honey, I'm on my own now' and then I’d be out of there!
SAM
Shut up! Just shut up! I can't take your stupid mouth anymore!!
ED
Well what are you going to do about it? Kick me?
SAM
Aahh…
ED
You're a fossil. You've been one for 10 million years. So it's about time you get used to it.
SAM
If I could move I'd come up there and stuff a gag in your mouth,
ED
(mocking) ) Oooh!
SAM
Then I’d jam a stick in your eye and happily sing as I got as far away from you as I could.
ED
Just try it.
SAM
I'd never have to look at your ugly rear end or listen to your stupid voice ever again!
(pause)
ED
Hey Sam. What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
SAM
Oh no…
ED
Dam(n).
SAM
I hate that joke! You’ve been telling it for a million years!
ED
Aahh…
SAM
At least make up a new one. It doesn’t even have to be good!
ED
Well I don’t see you coming up with any new jokes. And anyway you’re an annoying pain in the rear!
SAM
What?
ED
You snore!
SAM
I do not! You’re hearing things.
ED
Hello! There’s no other fossils around here. It’s just you and me!
SAM
So?
ED
So if I wake up and hear snoring then it’s got to be you!
SAM
Oh ya??!! Well here’s something for you!
(He tries to spit up at Ed but not able to move his head).
ED
Oh don’t spit again. It’s so childish.
(Sam spits again. Ed spits back and they erupt into a spitting war but not being able to move their heads).
ED
ALRIIIIGHT STOP!!! We just get slimy whenever we do that.
SAM
You started it.
ED
Did not.
SAM
Did too.
ED
Did not!!
SAM
Did too!!
ED
DID NOT!!!
(momentary pause, both muttering and making disgusted faces at each other)
SAM
All these millions of years we’ve been fossilized here. All because of you!
ED
Oh don’t start that again. I said I was sorry.
SAM
(sarcastic) ‘Swim over here Sam. There’s lots of good algae here Sam. Don’t
worry about the shallow water Sam’.
ED
(louder) I SAID I WAS SORRY!
SAM
Just a second. I hear something.
ED
What?
(Just then they are bathed in light.)
SAM
My god! (beat) It’s humans! But they’re not covered in hair!
ED
(wonderment) And look at their tools! Man they’ve come a long ways.
SAM
No one gave them a chance of amounting to anything!
(Just then Sam is grabbed and being lifted away.)
SAM
What…What’s going on??!!
ED
They’re taking you! Yee Ha I’m finally free! I don’t have to listen to you whine anymore! (singing ‘Happy days are here again…!’ while Sam continues).
SAM
More like I’m free from you! I don’t have to stare at your ugly butt anymore! You can stay here and rot for all I care!
ED
Bye forever you pain in the rear!
(Both cheer until Sam is gone. Then silence for a bit).
ED
Hee hee! This is great…. All alone….No one to bother me….(long pause looking around) That whiny spitter is gone….Yup!…Sam is gone…Sam… Sam?…I miss you Sam!… Where’d you go!?…What’ll I do?… Who’ll talk to me? (Starts to cry) Sam, I’m sorry…Come back!…I’d give anything…(a yell as he’s lifted)
(Then Ed is suddenly lifted. He yells. He winds up right next to Sam in the same position.)
SAM
Ed!!
ED
Sam!! Are you o.k?
SAM
Ya! You?
ED
I’m fine! (beat) Say… Are those tears?
SAM
No!
ED
You were crying!!
SAM
Was not!!
ED
You were crying!! Ya weinie!
SAM
Was not! That’s spit! I was spitting on you!!
ED
Oh ya?!!
(They start another spitting war. Improvised arguing and spitting.)
END.
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